Long Time, no?

So... I haven't wrote for months, but I've been busy. My program is... uh--nah, it's difficult, but definitely doable. I had a very difficult undergrad and nowadays I tend to invite challenges rather than fear for them. I've been exploring a lot of new things lately, and enhancing other explorations. I recently had sushi. ME! The "yeah man, let me get a bucket of wings and some fries-guy". You know what? It wasn't that bad either. It was a very...cultural experience. I also started a stress-relief regimen, which includes skating and working out on my weekends. Probably the most important is my spiritual growth. If you know me, I'm definitely not a Saint. lol. However, that's not to say I'm still not actively pursuing my relationship with God, because I'm definitely doing that. Me and some friends had the idea to have Bible study at my place. So we did, and it really popped off. We are about to start charging people at the door. Nah, just playin' with that part. The dialogue + the text + everyone's experiences aid to everyone's understanding of our supernatural expectations. Plus it's fun. We still clown around and talk about things that I wouldn't want people at my own church to hear. That's why I like it; we keep it real. But yeah, all of these newly found things are helping me cope with a difficult semester, and I'm enjoying it THUS far. I have realized that I had to cut a few things short--people who interfere with my schooling to an inconsiderate degree, people who bring me down when I want to have fun, people who are going virtually nowhere in life (and have no desire furthermore), these random and insignificant relationships with women whom I may have been involved with at some point, and people who interfere or hate on my relationship with God. There's only so much time to go around these days. Dang, I ran out of time. Computer lab is closing. Stay tuned. ~E.Harris

"When Keepin' it Real in the Barbershop Goes Wrong"

Nothing makes me feel more "fresh to death" than a new fade. A new haircut does much more than the obvious; it changes my whole aura. I just feel better after a new cut. Just like portrayed in the movie, barbershops are like clubs solely meant for the enjoyment of guys. Cheaply priced DVD/CDs, sports debates, bootylicious magazines, and just all around keepin' it real. There is no topic that is excluded from conversation in the barbershop. Well, at least I thought...A few weeks ago, I was due to go out of town early Tuesday morning. Most barbers--mine included, don't work at all on Mondays. I guess I was too busy and forgot what day it was. Nevertheless, I really needed my hair cut. I stopped by the shop that I used to go to back in my high school days--Diamond Kutz. When I walked in, it was completely different from how I remembered it from high school. It wasn't packed...at all! There was no Sega Dreamcast. All the barbers I remembered were gone. I had no other choice, so I sat in the chair and told ole boy how I wanted my hair cut. After about 2 minutes, this cat starts asking me if I knew about the Nation of Islam and their leaders. I told the dude that I am a Christian and although I have mad respect for others and their own individual views on religion, Me and Christ have a mutual understanding that our relationship is exclusive. For the next 15 minutes, he and another barber gave me the whole history of Islam and basically kept reiterating that my own spriritual beliefs are B.S. because it was taught to me by the slavemaster. wtf!? Now their whole barbershop has been converted somehow. I'm not looking down on their beliefs, I'm just owning up to the strength and faithful authenticity of my own, and don't appreciate the annoying persistance of these randoms. While may do some good to network and be a mission to young guys who may need to hear positive words, I'm NOT the one for reasons already explained, PLUS with the help of my God and His son, I have direction in my life and don't need anyone elses angry orienteering. Also, good luck on anybody trying to sell me anything. It is so annoying how when "Craig", who is for some reason or another lost in the cycle of the world is given a pea-sized amount of knowledge one day and from then on assumes he knows everything; and that same day he preaches to the world, assuming we are lost too. Brutha I am not lost. I didn't ask for any type of assistance other than a haircut. Unless you are my pastor or one of my deacons, please don't come at me trying to preach. I don't want anybody knocking on my door at my home or soliciting services over the telephone, regardless of what you are preaching or selling. To sum it up, there is a place and a time for everything. And to my people...can we please work together to find everybody a role model...before they turn 30?

Let it be known

We live in a age where it takes straight up courage to stand in something alone rather than stand amidst the consensus of interest of our peers. At this particular stage of my life, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. It's not so much me not trying to be like everyone else as it is me just wanting to be me more and more. I'm at a point when I want to claim who I am, the things I stand for, even the things I consistently screw up at. It's not about being cocky (an attribute most people say is characteristic of my personality). Why would I admit to being less of what I am? There are times however when I act otherwise. Last weekend, I encountered one of my homies from high school. He wasn't doing anything then; still isn't. He asked what I was up to and I just kind of played it off like I was naively taking life day by day carelessly like him. I don't wanna rub my blessings in other people's face, but if someone was to make a genuine analysis of my character, please believe, I'ma let you know what I'm about. I'm all about progress, honesty, and integrity. At the same time, I give myself leeway for improvement. For example, is it a goal of mine to find a relatable woman whose both values and desires compel me to be all that I can be just for her? Yessir! Will I be ready to get hitched if I meet her tonight? Come on now; no! Am I excited about becoming an optometrist? Best believe! Am I ready to pay over $100,000 in student loans back for the education I am about to receive? Obviously not (Pulling lint out of my pockets). These concepts that are central to what drives me can not only aid in a person's understanding of my motivation, but also convey to them what I do not stand for. If you are a B.S.er, you should know better not to associate yourself too closely with me. If you are lazy, you should know that E ain't here to carry nobody else around so scram! Make sense? Anyway, this is my coverletter to anyone who doesn't know me for me. Understand me a little bit better now? Hope so. Anyhow, I'm off to lab. Keep tabs on my blog for my next entry, "When Keepin' it Real in the Barber Shop Goes Wrong". Much luv.
-E.

Quick!!! Do Something!!!

Is it really that bad having to wait for payday? I mean, I am in school and all. Is it that bad being single? Is it really that bad ______ (you fill in the blank)? We humans panic too much. In every unexpected turn of events in life we panic, struggling trying to reorient ourselves as if we actually knew where we were going in the first place. At a time in my life where things seem like they're "standing still", I'm trying to embrace the feeling of peace...sitting still...relaxing. I've been doing a bit of spritual reading lately, and it's really putting things into perspective for me (Thanks bestest bud). I want to try something new; by this I mean working on this relationship with God. Doing things "my way" has only gotten me so far in life; and if you feel like me then you know it HAS to be a different way to go through life than being hardheaded and taking matters into your own hands. Right now life feels dull, boring, and repetitive. Perfect time for some intrinsic rehabilitation. Therefore, if I have to be bored, broke, tired, or single, instead of trying to fight my way out I'll just have to find content if I ever want to witness the feast that God has been setting for me; and please believe that a brutha's stomach is growlin'. He knows better than me. If I try to escape this realm of dissatisfaction by being ruthless and hardheaded (as usual), I'm bound to find another similar one. I'm good. I think I'll just take my chances and sit still. In the mean time, I need to work on some things, like my attitude, faith, and (oooooh) this bad mouth of mine.

Put it in the Box

There was a scene in Bad Boys II where Will Smith and Martin were talking about things they want to forget. Things like accidentally seeing grandma's titties were put in "the box" and closed, never to be spoken of or thought of again. Me and my boys joke a lot about the box and what from our lives belongs inside. Each of us has at least one woman who belongs inside. I have two. Besides women, we've all got a list of experiences, failed opportunities, and bad times that we no longer want to drag around anymore. Now me and my homies are kind of ruthless when it comes to playing the dozens with each other; but we all stand firm on that we can't clown each other about things or people that are in the box. lol. That's just not right. We are thinking about buying a treasure chest and writing the names of the things and people from our box on sheets of paper to put inside, closing the chest, wrapping it up in chains and sinking it in the Mediterranean Sea. We'd have to attach a scroll to it of course just to warn treasure hunters that by opening the box, all the havoc and grief onced faced by the owners (described inside) will wreak once again to anyone who opens it. lol. Shiver me timbers!

"Story-time"

"One Friday, Michelle left work early. Things were slow that day. Springtime, a free afternoon to do whatever...what else could she ask for? She hopped in her Seabring, let the top down, threw on her Prada shades, and pulled out a cigarette. She pulled off the lot and turned on the radio and wouldn't you know it? Her favorite song "Bossy" was playing on the radio. She turned the volume up and pulled to a stop at a red light. She knew she was just looking too hot. As a car pulled up, Michelle noticed from her peripheral that in the car next to her was a guy that appeared to be trying to get her attention.

"Ugh" Michelle thought. "People constantly tryina holla at me".

See she liked all the attention, better yet craved it because of how she acted and dressed. However whenever it came down to it, whenever guys would approach her, she would give them the icy shoulder, assuming no man could have genuine intentions. So when the guy in the next lane rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, Miss...", Michelle turned at him quickly, rolled her eyes, and put the petal to the metal, running the light and cutting the guy off in mid-sentence. As Michelle took off, she called one of her friends, Isis.

Her first sentence was, "Girl, why these lames won't leave me alone?"

Her and Isis both began laughing hysterically. They both enjoyed this feeling however, of being on top...in the spotlight no matter what. Michelle found it hard to continue talking with her cigarette in her mouth, so she tossed it out the door. Twenty seconds later, Michelle was dead.

Now at home, Jason, the guy in the lane next to Michelle, greeted his wife with a kiss and playfully rubbed her tummy, with their seed growing inside. He told his wife about the situation with the girl driving next to him and how she wouldn't even acknowledge his presence.

Jason ended the story by saying, "I was just trying to warn her that she was leaking transmission fluid. You know it's heavily flammable and very easily ignited"."

*

Note to women (who this applies to): Despite how "bossy" or tight you think you are, every man who comes in contact with you is not trying to holla at you. Us guys have gotten to the point where we can't even have casual conversation with you anymore. If we say, "Hello, good morning", most of you will roll your eyes and brush us off like we ain't ish. If we don't say anything at all, then you nag on how out-of-line and arrogant we are. Catch-22. There is a fine-line between a woman who is unapproachable and one who won't even hear a man out in casual walk-by conversation. I want comments on this one. I know this doesn't apply to all women; but it applies to most. Also, this is not to say that us guys don't have our faults we take for granted, because I know I do. That's another story, but this one, you can't deny the truth to. Ladies, is this you? If not, do you see truth to it? Dudes, tell me I ain't lyin.

My Life's Soundtrack

There are times when it seems like the world is conspiring against me--kind of like that movie, The Truman Show. Why so many coincidences? Why so many extremes? Why is there always that invisible force that seems to complicate things right before I intend to accomplish a task? True, everyone encounters times like this. However for me, sometimes I just want to ask people, "Who are you working for!?" lol. I'm still very very very blessed. I'm just being sarcastically dramatic. However, I do believe that if my life were a movie, I would have an interesting soundtrack...
Disc A:

1. "Your a mean one" by the Grinch
2. "I won't complain" by Somebody
3. "Champion" by Pastor Troy
4. "Believe" by Lena Horne in The Wiz
5. "The Breaks" by Curtis Blow
6. "Total Praise" by Richard Smallwood
7. "Couldn't be a Better Player" by Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys
8. "Street Life" by The Crusaders
9. "Girls girls girls" by Jay-Z
10. "Stand" by Donnie McClurkin
11. "Music and me" by The Jackson 5
12. "Super Strut" by Deodata
13. "Today was a good day" by Ice Cube

Disc B:

1. "Lay your body down" by Pretty Willy
2. "It's been a long time coming" by Sam Cooke
3. "You can't win" by Michael Jackson in The Wiz
4. "The Cheers theme" by Somebody
5. "That's what friends are for" by Stevie Wonder/Dionne Warwick
6. "Summertime" by D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
7. "Juice" by The Harris Fam (lol)
8. "It's so hard to say goodbye" by Boyz to Men
9. "I want to linger here" by Waokihi Class at Camp Miniwanca
10. "Miniwanca is our home...forever (will it be)" by Kiwimbee Cha-Moto Class at Camp Miniwanca
11. "So fine" by Mint Condition
12. "Christmas time is here" by Charlie Brown and Peanuts Characters/Vince Guaraldi
13. "My soul is anchored" by Andre Crouch
14. "Parents just don't understand" by D.J. Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
15. "The Momma Song" by Boyz to Men

Bonus Disc:

1. "Chicago Bulls theme" by Somebody
2. "Say it loud" by James Brown
3. "Beauty" by Dru Hill
4. "Everlasting Bass" by Rodney O and D.J. Joe Cooley
5. "Hit em up" by Tupac Shakur
6. "More than anything" by Lamar Campbell
7. "Poison" by Bell Biv Devoe
8. "Mercy" by Marvin Gaye
9. "Victory" by Puff Daddy/Notorious B.I.G./Busta Rhymes
10. "Cannon (in D minor)" by Pachebel
11. "One sweet day" by Boyz to Men/Mariah Carey
12. "Be" by Common

Entertainment Tonight...yeah right

All these emails, texts, calls, and voicemails pretty say the same thing: "Aye yo E, I'm in town for break. What club we gone hit up?" I can't do it. I don't know if it's my hate of this town, my fatigue from this ridiculous semester, or what; but I can't deal with the club scene anymore. When I'm there, there is this void. It's like I lost a feeling I used to have. I try, but I just can't have fun and enjoy myself anymore. The women there aren't even my type. Honestly I don't ever think I've had a relationship worth mentioning that began while meeting a woman at the club. I'm not saying all women at the club are in the undesirable category of obsessive-compulsive club hoppin' bobblehead groupies. I'm sure it's some real nice, intelligent, and sweet ladies there, but I mean, how much can you actually get to know someone at the club number one? Second, cats like me don't have a chance at pullin' a real woman in the club because they either aren't present or will assume I'm like the other 100 or so thuggish ruggish lames who approached them first. Don't even let me bring up club safety. People have been getting popped left and right at clubs in St. Louis. I could go on a left-tangent on how black on black crime in St. Louis is to a certain extent creating black on black racism in the back of my mind. We not gone go there tonight. Back to what I was saying...fun is always interrupted in this crappy town. My friends respect my decision of avoiding the clubs here. I just don't have fun anymore. Next time I go to a club, I'll be out of town somewhere. I can do happy-hour; I can do the boat (casino); I can even do lots of other things like museums, sport events, plays, dinner parties, and live poetry/music (esp jazz), but most of my friends are so caught up in what everybody else is doing, which is "hittin' up the club"--ugh! Even that short phrase makes me nauseous. Is there anyone left in this town who knows real entertainment anymore??!!

"Prayer"

I owe you a depth of gratitude, for the blessings you see fit to present to me. You are the definition of love, friendship, and faith. I am so blessed to have a best friend who gives me everything I need in life, and never leaves my side for a second. Sometimes I wake up forgetting to acknowledge the gift of a new day that You gave me. Many times I do wrong, knowing exactly what I'm doing, thinking to myself "I know I got something coming, but it won't be that bad". Now I realize that Your unsurpassing mercy is not to be taken for granted, but instead praised. Every single time I zig when I should zag, You let me off the hook; so it leaves me in awe, wondering why do You love me so much? I really don't deserve it. And how can you forgive every man, for every thing, every time, and I find it hard to forgive one person if they say something I don't like? You are my true role model; and although I will never measure up anywhere close to Your greatness, I'm really trying to be more and more like You. Please help me. -Amen

Knights of the Round Table

Me and my homies were at happy hour two weeks ago. As we sat, we somehow got on the topic of Black historical figures. Who was the most gangsta figure back in the day--stuff like that. We even got our server involved in the conversation. Anyway, the longest topic we debated on was education. First, lemme say that I'm not mean (well I am but...); I'm just pretty militant about my views on the current generation of hard-head bad ass misfits. My folks would probably say my views are a little too harsh, but they only have to hear about certain aspects of this generation on the news and in the paper. I had to live it all through high school, so it makes it easy for me to appreciate the things I didn't take for granted that these lil' mutha_____ (oops)... Me and my homies were talking about what could we do to help the situation in which it seems like young people don't care anymore. All these kids today want to do is dance and act a damn fool. Our ideas included creating a scholarship fund for our old high school, organizing a mentoring program, and giving motivational speeches. All along said the second two ideas wouldn't work, because nobody would listen and nobody would care--okay, most. Some others felt the same way but felt it would look good and make them feel good about themselves if they attempted. Me, I thought "the hell with all that!" I'd rather save my breath. These kids in these high schools are getting worse and worse. When I'm driving past these kids walking or getting on the bus to go to school, more than half of them don't even have bookbags. Nowadays you never hear about kids bringing guns to school because it happens so frequently. The idea of "ambition" is so far from these kids; it's ridiculous. We've past the point of rationalizing the situation by saying "We've just got to reach out more. The bigger community of helpers we build to help nurture our young people, the better." Go to Normandy, Vashon, or Soldan and visit one day and say that same BS. These teachers take a lot of mess from parents and such, but these people don't get paid to babysit these wild ass kids. My homie's father is a teacher and his first two days at his new junior high, four 13 year olds surrounded him and threatened to quote "beat the f&cking sh*t out of him". The second day, another kid poked his chest into ole boy's dad and said quote "I'ma beat yo ass!" The school he just transferred from, he stayed into confrontations with teenagers, so did the rest of the faculty. A female principal even got punched in the chest. He wants to bring a crowbar to school now. I feel him. These parents wanna get mad at the teachers, but they know how ignorant their kids are. The school is not the 45 minute cleaners. You don't drop them off (a product of your own filth), and come back later and expect the workers to make them squeaky clean. These parents are the main reason these kids are the way they are. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. So these teachers, movies, rap, and media need to stop taking so much crap; and these parents need to take responsibility or start getting spayed and neutered to control the population. Ooh, I know I sound real ignorant right now but it's not going to get any better. It's really not. I kind of feel bad that I'm on more of the tip like, you get rid of the ignorant ones in the classroom, and never let their bad asses come back. There is no reason Craig can get suspended 10 times in a school year and be allowed to come back, take up all the teacher's time and energy that couldv'e been spent actually teaching those who want to learn. No! Send his ass to the Bad Azz School District, where the teachers get paid more because they are trained to whooop dat azzzzz. If they drop out, US government should put them to work or lock em up. I'm more on the tip to want to help those who want to learn and say "oh well" to those just sitting and taking up space. That's what I'm about. I guess I'm so militant about this is because most instances we hear about involve young, Black males. So a lot of the BS I get in my daily life--stereotypes and what not, have stemmed from issues like this. It's sad that we are beginning to see the products of 2 generations of sucky parenting. What went terribly wrong between the 1970s and now?? I seriously want to know. Back in the day, when parents were slacking on the positive reinforcement and guidance on morals/values, grandma/granny/big-momma would pick up the slack. Nowadays that doesn't work. Why? Nowadays big-momma is 35. It's like every city school/borderline city school is 10 times worse than the school on "Lean on Me". Joe Clark would be ready to push half the student population off of the roof. "Ya smoke crack don't ya Sam's?! Go on, jump!" (shrug) Just something to think about. Comments?

Take-Aways for the Week

• Education is a "weed-out". Somebody's got to pick up the trash.
• If you are right...you're right. If you are wrong...you can't be right too.
• I'm probably the coolest nerd you'll ever meet.
• If your name is on my "ish-list", don't ask me for...ish!
• It is no longer economically advantageous to eat at White Castle dang! Expensive ass!
• Polyacrilamide Gel Electrophoresis using sodium dodecyl sulfate helps in the denaturing of proteins in the presence of beta-mercaptoethanol by breaking disulfide bonds and giving a strong negative charge to all protein residues, allowing separation according to mass only.
• I've been doing too much homework.
• Friends...? Out with the old, in with the new I guess. I ain't chasin' nobody down who thinks I'm a bad friend. Yeah right.
• Never listen to 100.3 the beat or 104.1 on a Friday or Saturday night. They will be broadcasting from some ghetto ass club, and all you'll hear is the radio jocks saying "OOh! OOh! OOh! OOh!" to the beat of the song. The most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life.

Why Can't People Just Be...Real

Last week, me and my boy were eating breakfast at Cracker Barrel when he starts trippin that a waitress in another section wasn't noticing him. I thought the whole thing was funny, but he was seriously upset that she wouldn't even look at his shoes if they had been mismatched. I pondered and found some truth to his argument. The waitress may very well have took a quick look, did a quick evaluation and was like, "Naw, I'm good", but so often we encounter situations where people front just to make themselves not look desperate or self-conscious that it is possible that she may have been interested in him, but for some reason tried to ignore him to get his attention and ultimately make him grovel at her feet. What if a man and a woman are both like that? I'd just be two idiots ignoring the hell out of each other. Good job guys. That'll get you far. Dudes are like that too. I really try not to be, personally. I always try to keep it real. If I think a woman is worth the time to chat with, I will. If I have a problem with somebody, I'll put it out there, rather than hesitate, thinking, "If I bring this issue to her, she gone think I'm trippin' off her". I don't understand why we all can't keep it real. All these "Mis-Communications majors" out here no wonder men and women don't understand each other. It's also a reason why it's never safe to assume what someone else is thinking/how someone else thinks of you. Everybody always wants to be the dominant character, too selfish to share the top bunk. Whoever reads this, today wherever you go, keep it real one time. Just once. This can be whether the person is new, old, friend, foe, potential significant other, somebody you find attractive, people at work, etc. When your brain slams on the brakes when you think of who all is watching you, or you are fearing if you will look desperate, or you may just be a punk, keep it real anyway. You just might open doors for yourself, and in turn, begin closing the doors of miscommunication. Okay, enough of that. News update: many people have given me kudos on the first half of the short story I wrote. Gratzi. I took it off of here because I am in the process of writing a book, which will be a collection of short stories. I also got some more studio equipment through my uncle. I'm so ill with the beats and nobody even knows it. Maybe you will one day. I'm just trying to stay busy. Remember the idle mind is the devil's playground.

A little controversy never hurt nobody

I dated outside my race before. It was cool--definitely different. I was like 20 then though. I feel compelled to take a detour back. Don't get me wrong. By nature I luuuuuv Black women. They're so sexy. And the vibe I get from being around them becomes as strong as the two opposite ends of velcro. However, my experiences with Black women have been frustrating and repetitive. Everyone encounters problems with the opposite sex, but damn! I have never encountered more administrative bullish in my life. Most of them claim to be so giving and genuine, but generally, they are some of thee most selfish beings on Earth. Like I said before, I'm not stressin a relationship. I actually enjoy being a bachelor. However, it would be nice to relate to somebody. My own personal experiences along with hearing experiences of buddies of mine tell me that this is virtually impossible with Black women. Aw yeah, you can vibe with them for a nice little minute, but Black women are so combative by nature that they fail to realize it. They talk too much and refuse to shutup, even to catch a breath. Thus, no matter what happens, you are always wrong...always. I know married men right now who tell me as they have struggled in their professional lives to become who they are today, they clock out and return back home around 5pm after a hard day's work as a nobody in their wife's eyes. No peace, say-so, or understanding in their own home. That's hella deep. I'm not giving up on Black women, it's just that I'm tired of the broken record. With white women, what you see is what you get. White women know how to treat a man just as good as a Black woman; the only difference is, most white women do deeds out of pure desire to see a smile while Black women do deeds so they can set themselves up for a nice return or so they can argue that they do more for you than you do for them when the ish hits the fan. Black women, although so desirable, are so difficult for no logical reason. I bet they'd clean up their act if they saw more and more Bruthas dating White, Latina, and Asian women.

MESSAGE!!!!

No longer am I going to bicker about differences between men and women, because the older I get the more I realize I will never (slightly even) understand the opposite sex. So I'll just say "men and women are different" and that's that. The ultimate goal for each is simply: to be understood. Now that I view this goal as unrealistic, the underlying message is now clear. We can't expect our ideal, our perfect potential to think and evaluate life from the same perspective as our own. That would be boring. I mean think about it, who wants to be with someone who won't even put up a fight for their convictions? How weak. This isn't the only reason; that would be hella immature. I guess now I shouldn't expect a perfect "mental match" of myself but expect to find certain qualities in a woman that can overshadow any differences guys and gals encounter.

On another note. I have realized that the dating game isn't really my thing because I can never really enjoy myself, take someone seriously, or at times--care period IF I'm not really feeling the person. It always ends up in a situation where she needs me way more than I need her. 4 missed calls in 2 minutes (shaking head). Wow, this is ridiculous. I don't like playing puppeteer with people's feelings, even if it is involuntary. School is about to start back up, so now if I get bored, at least I can study. Basically, I'm forcing myself into a drought, unless...nah, it probably won't happen. Even now I'm wondering whether or not to keep my mouth shut. Probably better off.

Forgetfulness

Back in the day on Sesame Street, there used to be a character named "Forgetful-Jones"; and anything you'd tell him, he'd immediately forget it. Wouldn't it be something if you could pick and choose specific things in your life to forget? So often we talk about being fond of memories; but there are some things you may have lasting memories of, that weren't necessarily good or other times, a different set of circumstances changes your perception of that memory. The more the days that go by you start to realize that there are so many things about this world, the people in it, and ourselves that is either painful, frustrating, or confusing that we wish we could forget for our own good. That would be too easy, but think about it.

Change the script

I have a few things I feel compelled to work on in my life. First being forgiveness. Usually when I'm done wrong, I close down every possible route that could be used to make it up to me. Honestly, most of the time I do this based on the fact that if you screw up, 9 times out of 10 you knew you were screwing up in progress; so making it up to me would be premeditated. Nevertheless, it's besides the point. I need to learn to let go. Don't get it twisted now, cause ya boi is not a sucka! I'm not saying I'm not gonna cut somebody off if need be. What I'm saying is, if I do, it will be for my own protection, not to constantly reiterate the point that "you f-d up". Also, if you know me, then you are aware of my neverending life issues. lol. I'm at the point right now where there is SOOoooo much that I have no control over, and honestly prayer, pep talks, and temporary forced forgetfulness don't always do the trick. I need another distraction. I'm going to start to be (not only) more attentive to other peoples' issues, but also more genuinely caring of them. At times it can be hard--sometimes people don't understand the depths you go to assist them; other times people beg for advice and never use it (especially women and their emotional distress issues--whooooo! thee absolute worst). Never the less, it's the right thing to do; and you know what? That's one thing I've noticed about myself that I plan to explore more of. I asked myself this question today at work. "Wouldn't if be nice if I didn't do stuff how it was supposed to be done?" I could be lazy. I wouldn't have to help out my co-workers. I wouldn't have to censor my behavior around the lil ones in the fam. I wouldn't have to be a gentlemen, have respect for and desire to be a real man for a real woman. I wouldn't have to place my trust in a God I have never seen. Overall, I wouldn't have to care....about anything. I could just go on with my life without a care or sense of responsibility whatsoever. Sad thing about it is, there are too many people like that hogging all the air in the world right now, just taking up space. Just trying to take maturity one step further by living boldly and not afraid to attempt the tasks that most people are too lazy, sofT, faithless, dumb, and selfish to do. I guess other mfs don't care about their self-perception. How could you wake up in the morning without some type of experiential agenda?

Men are from Earph, women are from Venus

Okay, okay. I'm not gonna act like being a man keeps me immune to the mind-boggling "Whys" that women convey to me. I understand that being a man, we are constant ridiculed and rhetorically questioned on many accounts. So now it's time for the tables to turn. It probably won't last, but we'll try anyway huh? Good. Just a few different scenario; they all pretty much carry the same message.....why.

un--

Why don't women understand the phenom of reneging; not with spades. Why is it that a woman's true intentions (making a cat wife her up--i.e.) are completely contrary to the agreed and understood foundation of the relationship that was gradually built?

deux--

Why is it that so many women finally get attention from a new guy, and in turn they don't know how to handle it? From that point on you can't get her to shutup about ole dude. Put his sack down! Also, what's up with jumping the gun, heading to the downtown courthouse and getting married?

trois--

Why can a women be a part of a multi-year relationship, and so "in love". The relationship fails, and before you know it (give a year), ole girl is engaged/married to some other cat?

These are not necessarily the top three most important. They are the three scenarios men most frequently run into. Sad, weird, and funny all at the same time. How many women should we let intrigue us with this questions before proceeding with an interrogative outburst? Ten? Nah, one more; eleven. Man law?........"MAN LAW! (in unison)"

Superlatives: Most Lonely Moments. ":-("

I cannot pinpoint one precise memory of being lonely, but I had some lonely times in general. The exception is my family. My family has always been my "Cheers". Everybody knew my name (duh) and was always glad I was around. I always felt loved, thought of, and appreciated. However, with my peers, this was not the case. Elementary school was the worst! Kids are so mean...bastards! Growing up, I had an extreme case of strabismis aka "lazy eye". The thought of it brings about a depressing connotation. That's why I never mention it. From birth to age thirteen, I had six surgeries--ugh; terrible, just terrible. I still have the scars on my eyeballs. What's almost worse is the tough position that put my parents in, because growing up, I knew something was wrong because I had all those surgeries. I just didn't know what. So I know my parents dreaded the day that I would come home from the first day at school asking them, "Mom? Dad? What does cross-eyed and cock-eyed mean?" Like I say, kids are mean. I got teased, and I mean teased HARD all through elementary. Not only that, I was a really bright kid aka nerd to everyone else. Needless to say, being smart was no cooler back in the day than it is in the present. Most people wouldn't think I used to be in that position, but yep. Somebody even told me today, they bet I was a preppy, stuck up kid. Quite the contrary. Between my eyes, my smarts, and the way I dressed (I wore Buddies--Buddies being no-name brand clothes), I was in somewhat of an isolation during the ages five to twelve, but luckily I was blessed with a wonderful family that served as my place of refuge and gave me a definition. Here's a quick narrative that shows how ignorant some people were: there was this girl who I had a huge crush on in elementary. My mom had grown these beautiful, huge red roses. Do you know I cut one of them badboys and brought it to this chick?! "I'm probably gone get in trouble for this, but I wanted you to have this _____". This broad responded with, "I don't want that!" She left me cold in my tracks in the hallway in front of everybody. Ignorant! Naw, better yet, that's just ignint.

Superlatives: Most Embarrassing Moment. "Wanna Get Away?"

In the midst of UMSL's boring campus, over the past few years, their renovations have a few spotlights. The Millenium Center, The Pilot House, and the infamous Fireside Lounge. It was my freshman year 2001. I had just taken an exam in Chemistry and had an Honors Literature exam a few hours later. I decided to get a bite to eat and sit in the Fireside Lounge. I mean this lounge is off the chain! All leather loveseats and chairs, sound proof doors, large windows, double sided fireplace...perfect place of refuge for tired students. As I sat and ate my lunch, I realized that I missed the shuttle, and the next was not due to arrive for another 25 minutes. As a result, I decided to take a little nap, and it was nyce. Here's where the story takes an interesting turn: see I can't remember what I had to eat for lunch. Obviously, it was something I shouldn't have eaten because I awoke to the sound of myself letting out a disgustingly loud fart. It lasted like 4 seconds it was so trifflin'. I didn't try to. It just happened; lol. Wouldn't you know it? When I opened my eyes, every seat in that lounge was filled with students--nobody I recognized (thank God), but that's besides the point. I sat there for a few moments acting as if I was reading my book the entire time. I figured they'd think if I appeared awake the entire time, nobody in their right mind would just let one rip like that. Doubt it worked, because I had people next to me and directly across from me. So with that, I left half lmao and half blushing with embarrassment as everyone else peered at me through the corners of their eyes. :-(

The Idle Mind

Sometimes I have to remind myself why I'm single. And nah, I'm not on that whole emotional-void-type-thing, so instead of settling for a relationship itself, it would still be pretty nice to relate to a woman period these days. Right now I'm single because I refuse to put my own happiness in jeopardy while seeking emotional fulfillment with someone who doesn't impress me. That's cool for now because I'm trying to get my own ish together and secure my future. I have to tell myself that over and over also; lol. Having an idle mind, that is, not tangled up within the web of emotion, has got me in a compromising situation. The position I'm in right now is where most cats become hoes. I'm not really on that tip personally, and metamorphosising into a hoe is an extreme anyway. However, it's just the fact that some things just don't feel right if I'm not really feeling the person. So many things come into question and compel me to become more comfortable being single if that's what I'm going to do. The idle mind is the devil's playground, plus I'm one of those cats that doesn't like to do something for nothing. So I'll continue to date, kick it, and have fun, but I'm no longer going to continue playing a broken record simply because I'm bored. Things can always change, but for right now, since I can't have who I want and I'm otherwise unimpressed, this is how it has to be. It's a really mature move to make. Like I say, most cats are too weak to do it; and what's sad is: most women will still in the end have no more respect for that guy who can do this versus the cat who said, "f-it, I got a reason to manipulate, stay occupied, and/or have all the ass I want".