"The Fact Still Stands"

Me and one of my best friends went to see Da Vinci Code yesterday. We saw it at the Moolah Theater (wow!!! nice). Anyways, this movie puts a lot of things into question, Christianity namely. Critics have been raping reviews, bashing the movie by calling it blasphemous and what not. So lemme break down my interpretation. First it's a movie; and I know some Christians who would have a problem with facing the opposition of everything their faith revolves around. That's why we have faith. Some people develop faith and don't want to hear anything that falls short of their belief and understanding. Me, I had no problem with seeing it. Okay, so it goes like this: Jesus favored Mary Magdalene over his other disciples. Some people have a problem with this alone. "Jesus showing favortism?!" Get over it. Obviously if you understood Jesus to have disciples in the midst of his other followers in the first place, doesn't this give a hint to--favortism may be extreme but you get the picture. Next, Jesus and Mary were married and had a child...okay and? Lighten up people! In the movie some argued that as a result of this, the portrait of Jesus has lessened from the Savior of man to just another random good guy. Whoever thinks this probably didn't have that strong of a faith to begin with. Jesus was sent by God; he looked, walked, talked, ate, slept, and had emotions just like us. So what?--because he had a wife and child of his own, he is not capable of representing God as our savior? Some people are taking this movie waaaaay too seriously. It's just an idea. Even if it was true; it wouldn't change anything for me because the fact still stands that Jesus is the Savior of mankind who was sent by God to receive punishment for our sins, die, arise, and ascend to Heaven. Not saying I don't rely on the Bible 100% but look how many sources contributed to it's contents. I'm sure some content got lost, was forgotten, and I'm sure some is hidden for whatever reason. I can only work with what I have. So working with the Bible as I know it, as well as experience, I am brought to my present state of faith. That's funny because it's like: what if tomorrow I get a call from someone claiming to be my mother. She has credible evidence that I was switched at birth. Would this change my interaction, love, and sense of belonging to the family I knew as my own for 23 years? No.

Summary for the day

I hate dumb people.

Rules of Engagement

As a man, one should have a thorough knowledge in the various sectors of life in which "rules of engagement" are the understood and necessary default strategy for maintenance of friendship, pride, money, and respect. Every man has used one of the following rules at least once by the age of 20.

1. Stop cakin' 7s. No public picnics and/or $100 dinners with any chick "under par" (Thanks Gator).
2. Wanna kick off that first physical playtime with your new lady-friend? Don't massage (too repetitive) but gently rub her stomach with your finger tips while laying back on the sofa. Do this for 2 minutes straight then all the sudden stop. If she says, "why'd you stop?" then she's down. Continue to rub her lil' tummy. After two minutes, work your way to the nearest floor, above or below, whatever your preference. It's all yours. lol
3. If an ex calls and you have absolutely no intent on having a casual conversation with this person. Hmmmmm. Answer politely--"Hello? Who is this?...Who??? Oh hey." She won't call back.
4. You run into a mutual female friend of you and one of your homies, but you're not positive on the extent of their "friendship". She asks for his number. What do you do? Give her the wrong number for your homie's as well as your own number. In the mean time, check with your boy to see if it's cool to give her the real number. When she calls you back, act accordingly.
5. It's do or die and you're in the threshold of getting ass from a lady you feel you've been pursuing too long. You're real close, but regular ole' foreplay doesn't seem to cut it on her part. You're thinking about kissing her, but you don't want to have your homies tease you nor have an vast sense of whackness overcome your self-conscious portrait of yourself. What do you do? Do what you gotta do playa. lol. Chances are your homies have done it too.
6. One of your boys is pursuing one of your exs. Is this breaking "the code"? If she was a girlfriend or someone you really cared for, then yes. There's a flag on the field. If we just dated, or messed around or something, go for it. Free game.
7. A girl asks you how many partners you have had, but you feel she may think your number is too high. What do you do? Tell the truth dummy! She'll probably lie though.
8. A woman you've been dating/"seeing" (lol) is always offering monetary or material gifts. Do you accept or no? Never accept gifts from women who you have no intent on being in a serious relationship with. This frees you from the reciprocal obligation as well as ends any possibility of fault, deceit, or foul play on your part when the ish hits the fan. If you are feeling Mz. Lady emotionally, only accept if you can do something in return. If you just take take take, you'll eventually become needy of such things, which means ultimately any woman who ever deviates from that practice isn't worthy of emotion. That's just not right; it's downright negrish.
9. Am I missing anything?

On a mission

After going to a few graduations in Columbia this weekend, I got to see upclose, the reactions of built up aniticipation from four, five, six, and even ten (yeah Gator!!) years of college coursework. The reactions varied from clowning while walking across the stage, getting pissy drunk directly following commencement, hugging crying parents, etc. It made me wonder how I'll be exactly one year from now. Alls I gotta say is, "This year is mine". I'm proud of Jarnell. I always knew me and my boys would make it. And while me, TaRael, and KB joke about never graduating, we know we will; and will all be successful men thereafter. However, outside of schooling we have our own personal lives that need just as much enrichment as our brains. I know I have mine. So this year I'm definitely going to concentrate on personal growth; because just as in school when you get senioritis, you settle for less than what you have mental potential for. In life, if you're on the path to irreversible maturity, it's easy to lose sight of the point of the ascent and dwell in a state of carelessness and selfishness.

Weekly Review

So I haven't wrote in a long time. So what! I been busy...I'm lying. I have just been slacking on a little bit of everything. I'm tired. Anyway, this week was really cool. Nice weather, I happend to stumble on $3300 extra bucks from an old auto-accident. The Lord is always right on time huh? lol. I also got to relax a bit and listen to some poetry at an open mic session at Wash U. Wow. There was this girl there who sang a few songs she wrote---omg she has some talent. She sounds like India Arie and all of her stuff is from the heart, true, and original. Women who have outstanding vocals and/or poetic talents are such a turn-on. Even if the girl wouldn't have been physically attractive, it's like her soul reaches out to mind, demanding attention because of the truth in what she says and the beauty in the way I hear it. Had an exam on Friday that I didn't study for until maybe like 2 hours ahead of time; probably aced it anyways...again. Easter was hype. My mom cooked turkey, dressing, ham, and all the lil' side fixins. It was such a nice day outside, we just sat outside doing nothing mostly after church. My sisters came through and we acted a fool as usual. We also planned my dads 50th Birthday. My mom is gonna buy up a lot of King Crab, shrimp, wine, and stuff. We'll celebrate and give him his gift. My siblings and I chipped in together and bought him an X Box 360. He's been wanting an X Box for the longest, so we figure, might as well get him the new ish. He deserves it. That's the thing about being excellent parents. When you get older and kids can actually do more, you'll be taken care of.

Da Trufe Will Set U Phree

Today I took a serious step towards a deeper maturity level. I had to step out of a situation based on certain values that I encourage and expect, namely truth. I absolutely hate being lied to! It serious makes me feel terrible, number one because I'm a straight-up type person. Second, regardless if the intention is meant to hurt and deceive or not, it is an insult to my intelligence. In this situation, I had to sit and contemplate, whether these incongruencies were actually an issue, or was I just picking a fight, as I sometimes tend to do (okay I need to work on that one). It actually turned out that this was a big issue that was engulfing me by the second. It really hurt to put the nail in the coffin, because she is soooo cool, sweet, and attractive. But the point is, if I can't trust you, don't look forward to me getting involved any deeper emotionally. And rather than just pretend to not care in order to reap certain benefits like most other dudes would, I'd rather bail now, and end it maintaining my honesty and integrity because I don't like my time wasted; and I'd assume that most other people don't either. It's just now I wonder, over the past year or so, I've just encountered so many lies, and fakeness to the point where I almost anticipate some bs upon meeting a new young lady. I just don't want to get to the point where I think it's impossible to find a lady who represents the personification of Honesty. In the midst of situations like this one, I try to stay faithful, but......(shrug). The truth hurts. I'm a big boy, I can take it.

Fear not, I have returned

This Spring Break was aight. I did absolutely nothing, which was actually a long-awaited reward. I saw a lot of movies that I've been wanting to see, and finally got started on this new keyboard synthesizer I bought. I also spent a lot of time meditating and thinking about my life and the things I want. I realized that my desire to be the best at everything is in a way, a very drastic flaw. There are so many different things I want to be good at--(no) the tightest at, and that's cool; maybe it's why I'm such a sore loser and why I'm so competitive at everything. My problem is that I expect too much sometimes. Realistically thinking, I can't be the best at everything; and even if I got extremely close, what would that mean? I'm still not the best. Plus, I'd probably be boring as hell, to outsiders at least. Probably the thing that stands out the most is the fact that I'd be spending so much time on myself and not enough on others, which is contrary to maturity and responsibility acceptance. It's cool to try lots of things, but I think I need to start narrowing my life down and figuring more what I'm good at versus things that just jump out at me. In other news, I just made a cut to my phonebook of women, most of which I used to talk to at some point. I figured, some people just take up unnecessary space, such as in a harddrive, cell-phone storage, or in our own personal lives. Not to be mean or nothing but... Part in the journey of life is not looking back. I'm on a mission right now, so I don't need breadcrumbs. If I ever need to find my way back (probably won't) to regroup, I'm sure I can get there by some other means, or think of a better reason not to.

Intimacy

Why is the word "intimate" synonymous with sex? Funny and true thing is that partners/couples/lovers (whatever) can have sex without being intimate at all. Let me venture off to the world of sex real quick (no pun intended--lol). There are 3 basic types of sex. Number one "bumpin' uglies"--the no holding anything back, loud, hot, adrenaline rush of all rushes--when each person's drive is like an annoying itch that hasn't been scratched for days. Number two "having sex"--the don't really know what to expect, hesitant, just going with the flow, kinda sorta holding back, less energetic form of sex. This form is usually associated with sex with either a new partner or someone who doesn't know what they're doing. Number three "love making"--the slow, touchy-feely, sensual, teasy, unselfish, generous, simultaneous and reciprocal form. Now that I've defined the three, lemme go back to intimacy and define it. An intimate act is any act that can be more attributed to a specific person, rather than the act itself; something close, personal, and something which you cannot receive from another person. Now, it's clear why types I and II of sex have nothing to do with intimacy at all. Number three is dependent on it however. Now back to my original question. Sex and intimacy are kind of hand-in-hand as far as the general public is concerned. Yet, contrary to my earlier definitions and explainations, I believe that intimacy can be present even without the sex. I have yet to encounter this myself, but nevertheless have faith that the phenomenon exists. Most people would say that the most intimate act is sex. However, I don't believe this to be necessarily true because as humans sometimes we often confuse emotions with hormones. There are exceptions in all cases, even mine. I believe that the most intimate act two people can do is kiss. A kiss from someone who you're really vibing with is something that can last forever. On the other hand, a kiss from a spontaneous random can be pretty pointless and trife. Don't say you ain't done it before. We all have. lol. There are many intimate acts, not just sex; I'm a guy and even I know that.

Bout tyme

I haven't wrote on this thing in the longest! Now that my blog war is over (I won by the way), and my Physical Chemistry exam is over (don't ask how it went), I finally have time to relax, write, and just...be--what a great feeling. Usually I like to be creative when I write on here, but since I'm tired, and since I haven't wrote on here in a nice lil' minute, I have two reasons to let this entry be a simple recap; so sorry if I'm boring anybody. Here goes...

For the past month I had planned a trip to Columbia, to relax first, kick-it with the homies second, and get a change of scenery third. By the time the weekend came around I realized that I really needed to study for this exam, which I took today and...ugh--nevermind. Needless to say I didn't study. I kicked it hard though. Friday there was a party. Saturday was a chill day--one of those days when you say, "Aight, I'ma start studying at 1:30" and next thing you know it's like 8:00 and you've been laying on your ass so long that you see you left a groove in the sofa. Sunday I planned on going to church, but that ain't happen either; and my unproductivity continued up until I came back to St. Louis that night and decided, it was about time to read the three chapters that my test would cover. Anyways, my time in Columbia was cool as hell. I definitely enjoyed kickin' it with the homies, relaxing, and my meeting a very interesting person. She's a friend of a friend; and I don't remember seeing her when I went to Mizzou. Anyways, this person is cool as hell, very attractive, and talks just as much and randomly as I do, so you KNOW conversations are never boring right? We just seemed to hit it off very quickly so we kicked it on Saturday and Sunday. It just feels good to meet a sistah who seems genuine, and different from the norm. Ugh...don't get me started on "the norm". Anyway, this sistah kind of eased a little woman-related anxiety away because I feel like I can finally relate to someone. She's coming to St. Louis this weekend, so I'll plan something nice. But yeah, my test is over; it sucked, so I will just have to find a way to focus and do better next time. I've got a Calculus exam Friday and a Physics II exam on Tuesday; homework can kiss my ass tonight. I'm taking the night off.

In response to "Dear Mr. Hip Hop...... I absolutely HATE YOU!!"-- by http://jdjanelle.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html (Feb. 27th post). Read this before proceeding with my post. She, jdjanelle wrote her Feb. 28th post as a response to this and the comments that follow our posts. Please leave comments, if possible after our posts; let me know who you are feeling and who you aren't.

See, I wasn't even about to write; I need to be studying for this Cell Bio exam I have in the morning; yet I'm very compelled to do so anyways. Me and my homie have been going back and forth on some issues: sex, religion, music, movies, and the most frequent topic of "individuality and fun bumping heads with Christianity". Anyways, jdjanelle (I'm not gonna say her real name. lol) asserts that rap/hip-hop is the devil's work, and it is destroying our communities; and that charismatic figures such as Beyonce Knowles and Kanye West should be ashamed of the life they portray. Hmmm...lemme start by saying that nowadays there is a huge population of individuals (youth mostly) that are misled by those who are designated as leadership models for them. Some aren't led at all. As a result, over the increasing years, we have a very gullable (highly influenced by the slightest feat) population who is very susceptible to certain types of behavior, in this case music. I do agree that there are some types of rap that do nothing but boast and brag about "&#%%@# and *&%#$@!, power and money, ridahs and punks (from Makeveli--Tupac)". However even in this case, am I, a producer and music enthusiast, "evil" for liking Kanye's music because I think his beats are tight?! It's music like this and the types of people described above that make a bad combination yielding an army of misguided droned youths; yet the blame should not be entirely placed on the artists. It's a job; and it sells; can you blame them. It's not Ying-Yangs fault that Craig, a 16 year old who neither artist even knows, has a mannish reputation/personality because of the song "Wait". Also, I don't think gospel artists should be put up on any higher of a pillar or pedestal than any other artist because what you hear on the radio is not always a reality for the artist. jdjanelle talks about the way Beyonce dresses. Who knows?? Beyonce may hate portraying this style, but is highly influenced by those she works with, her family, her gift, and her bills. She may not yet have reached the point of "spiritual realization"/independence that some others were fortunate enough to experience. So don't judge what you don't know. The same goes for some of these gospel artists. Yeah, they may preach it through song (please believe because Donnie McClurkin is my homie!!), but nobody knows the life that they are living outside of the recording booth. That's right, so Hezekiah Walker, whether you did it or not (if you haven't heard just check the news), you should be given no more power than that of Lil' Jon, because for all I know, y'all could be close patnas. I'm defending a lot in this entry, particularly hip-hop. If you don't know hip-hop, then you're not gonna know all of the ins and outs of it--firstly that there is a difference between hip-hop and rap. Rap being the more flashy, catchy, random, bass-booming, and iconic form. Hip-hop being the more original, soulful, mental safari through our culture, experiences, and love. I'm defending rap to an extent as well, because in my case, some of it is catchy, and the beats are tight, but I'm not the gullable type to "Rob a jewelry store and tell em' to make me a grill (Nelly, Paul Wall, et al)" either. I don't expect jdjanelle to give hip-hop a try because she's not the type to explore realms she originally thought of as "bad", but, she'll never know how the lyrics of Common, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and so on will have you pushing repeat over and over because it allows us to hear what we all feel as true in a clear, flowing, and creative fashion. No one ever talks about the benefits of hip-hop; it's always the bad stuff. Yet if these charismatic figures turned their lives around, who knows if they would have any more of a positive influence than they already do through rap. By that I mean develop musical and creative talents or simply a sense of knowledge--now that's pretty damn good for such an ignorant generation huh? Take that jdjanelle! lol.

luv,

"lil E"

Peep Game

In light of Black History Month, I feel compelled to chat about my experiences as a Black man. Firstly, I am SO proud to be Black. I can sit and view family photos from 100 years back all the way up to now and be able to see the process of increased opportunities for African-Americans made possible by "My forefathers". I tend to get militant when it comes to those who don't embrace their Blackness by either becomming knowledgeable about those who paved the way or by taking advantage of all the valuable opportunities that were once foreign to us. A few years back I got into a heated argument with a friend. She's mixed. She said that she only considers herself Black when applying for minority scholarships. She hangs around all Black people; she embraces Black music; she dates Black guys. Yet, as retarded as it sounds, she had never heard of Rosa Parks, Emmett Till, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr...don't make me go on (and for the record I am not exaggerating). I also tend to get militant when it comes to the overall self-portrayal of Black people mostly through music and behavior. Call me a sellout or whatever you want--its embarrasing. If you have ever worked with caucasians, as I have, and had the radio on, when all the sudden "Laffy Taffy" comes on......yea, very embarrasing. Also, nowadays, Blacks look up to the most random of people as if they were really charismatic. It's probably a result of most of us not having anyone to look up to in our homes. Ever notice how in primarily Black settings, 7 out of 10 people look the same--Tims/Girbaud/Tall Tee/Grill? This is a ghetto trademark. Most of all, the thing that get under my skin the most about my bruthas and sistahs is the fact that most are giving into the stigma (accepted almost throughout our community) that it is "cool" to appear and/or sound unintelligent. There is a fine line between embracing Blackness and what's ours versus looking and sounding ignorant (nigrish, as I call it). I'm too proud to accept this type of behavior as "okay". As I walk throughout my whack campus, I get several nose turning looks, mostly from caucasians, in which I can almost tell what these people are thinking. "Outta the way!", "Why is he here?" or "Biochem/Biotech major?! You can't possibly be smarter than me.". I get these looks all the time, even from some professors; but you know what? I give them the same look right back. Too proud to be discouraged by that B.S.. This isn't to say that if you're not Black, you don't have the authority to be as proud. lol. Whoever/whatever you are, be proud of it; but don't claim to be something and you know nothing about it, or make the efforts of those who paved the way for you in vain. Also, don't be one thing and claim to know what it's like to be the exact opposite. I don't care who you know, who you've dated, or whose music you listen to. You can only listen and hear what it's like, you will never completely understand, nor will I ever understand what it is to be something else. Feel me, or am I going on a "militant tangent"?

On track

Right now, I'm struggling to regain my focus. I go to class; I study; I go to work. Tiring enough right. In class I daydream; when I'm at work, I become part of a annoying repetitive routine; when I try to study, I sit there for 1 ½ hours before I can actually start. Then when I do, I get so easily side-tracked. I can't tell if there is a void in my life or if I'm doing too much. Doesn't matter; when you're stressed, you're stressed. Right about now, I could use a fire massage, some silence, a good movie, and a brownie concrete. I think most of this stress will go away when I move out of the nest (again). The house won't be so noisy, I can walk around butt-booty naked, and enjoy my own privacy. Spring break is rolling around; and I know a lot of my homies are gonna want to go to some flashy city and drink and club all day and night. Right now that is the least of my cares. I want to relax. I really wanted to rent out a big cabin up in the Ozarks (I love nature), but I don't know who all would go and during spring break it will still probably be somewhat chilli outside. So I wouldn't get to jet ski and all that fun stuff til later in the year. I'm just getting old. Clubbin' and kickin' it definitely has its moments, but now isn't the time. I'm a tired old man whose nerves are on edge due to my exhausting obligations and lack of restful downtime. I just wanna get my rocking chair, and sit next to the fireplace and read a good book. lol.

Back by Popular Demand

After a long week of IVs preparation, derivatives, logs, immunocytochemistry, entropy, and magnetic fields, needless to say, it's been a long week; I'm a little tired. I had absolutely nothing in mind for my blog, until I received a death threat, which compelled me to write about a specific topic. lol. In my last entry, I mentioned that I had a "crush". Well here we go... Her name is ______ (what am I stupid!?) This person, I don't know as well as I would like to; every time I see her, there's an overpowering sense of attraction to her; I think it's the fact that she's sexy as hell firstly; secondly she's "grown". She carries her self very well, especially amongst all the rest of the women in my peripheral. She's down to earth, and also knows how to relax and be goofy when she feels the need. Even better, she's the type that is on the verge of being very independent. Go for it right????------no. I'm pretty sure she's occupied in some type of relationship right now, I think. Rather than play Casanova and help her get her groove back, I acknowledge the fact that women who are tied up in old knots are quick to be one of two things, maybe both--spontaneous decision makers, and wishy-washy. So I'm compelled to stop in my tracks rather than involve myself and complicate her situation or mine. Alas... So whoever is reading this will never know who my crush is; I guess it doesn't matter anymore I guess; anyway...So...(moving on) As I stated in an earlier blog, I'm making it a goal to be less generous with women who haven't proven themselves worthy. Sounds bad right? Not really. I'm a very romantic person; I ain't gone lie. I'm a big caker. I like intimate date settings (upscale bars or jazzy clubs), wine, intellectual conversations, giving relaxing palm massages, all that. Does every woman deserve treatment like this? Absolutely, but not necessarily from me. For right now I'm cutting out all of this extra, unnecessary caking. As arrogant as this sounds, I got a lot going for myself; my potential for success in many different aspects of life is skyrocketing, especially in comparison with the lives of the numerous bums who surround us all. I'm done with trying to impress. Someone needs to impress me, because frankly as of now, I am not amused. I'm looking for a certain type of woman to be attentive to me, however I always get attention from women whose compatibility seems farfetched. So am I supposed to keep looking, or settle with whoever is the best of the undesirable? I'll do even better than either of these, whoever she is, she's gonna have to find me. Moral of this story: I'm not going to continue romancing just to be doing it. Why????? All this disenchantment has got me yawning in boredom. Next!!!!! lol

¿¿¿Love...Ummmm--You Got me on that one (Shrug)???

"As men we were taught to hold it in, that's why we don't know how 'til we're older men"--Common "Love is..." from the album Be

At one point in time, I thought I had unlocked the secret of what love is; later on I had come to find out, I was wrong--either that or love is therefore selfish. I did however, find out that love must be true to work; one cannot "play a part" in the "game" of love, as contradictory as it sounds. You gotta be yourself and you can't force it (love); and if that other person can't accept that for whatever reason, flat-out--it ain't gone work. Personally the closest I can get to defining love is this, "it's the most extreme opposite of hate". I can describe some theoretical characteristics of love, BUT clearly after watching "Love and Basketball" one can clearly distinguish happily-ever-after fantasies from reality. In other words are their some aspects of love that can be generally regarded and accepted as unrealistic? Duh; obviously. My ultimate question is, "Is love therefore selling itself short"????? With these two questions in mind, the first thing I think of is that moment at the alter, "Do you (name) take (name) to be your da-da-da-da-da... in sickness and in health...". Wow right!!!??? Of course nowadays "I do" is always the result; don't seem like it though does it? All it takes is for someone to sneeze a few times and be bedridden for a week before their partner gives up on them and moves on. I'm exaggerating right now but you get the picture. Besides that, look at divorce rates--pathetic. That's marraige though. Bringing it back down to the smaller scale, I already admitted, I am as clueless to love as love is clueless to hate, but the difference between me and most cats is this, I try to minimize my mistakes involving relationships as a result of my ignorance. Everybody has seen "Baby Boy". There's a scene when Jody tells his lady, "Yeah gurl, I love you, but I f*ck other women". Pure B.S.. Personally and honestly, I have never cheated on any women I was with, ever; probably because (duh) it's a contradictory position. I'm a honest and more importantly straight forward type of guy, so I therefore avoid the unnecessary, meaning something doesn't fit in that picture. So many people nowadays (male and female) are in Jody's position and lie to themselves, forcing their own clouded minds to believe that it is possible to love someone and cheat on them simultaneously. In reality people who think like this only love themselves. I stated before that love may be very selfish--maybe too selfish. Think about this scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love with their personality. Overtime sparks fly and that invisible vibe seems to pull you closer and closer at every instance of contact. Being with this person and making this person happy becomes your mission, as their mission is the same for you. One day, this person is involved in a hit-run car accident and is left paralyzed from the waste down. What do you do????? Right. Think about it. Don't say, "It depends..." because theoretically, if you love the person, I mean reeeeeally love the person, you'll continue your "mission". If not, is that not love (absence of love), or the "accepted definition" as far as reality goes? If someone has all the honest and feasible answers to these questions, please let me know (good luck). Before me and Mz. Ryte (whoever she is) hook up, I need to know exactly what I'm getting myself into and why, because this learn-as-you-go stuff...it doesn't work. As for now, I'm makin' progress little by little; I have a lil' bit of a crush. Can me, a grown man--can I still say crush? Aye, it's a start.

Flashbacks to 2001

In July I started a job at SLU Hospital as a pharmacy tech. For the Fall semester, I worked full-time, and overnight (11 hour shifts) for a seven day period; then I would be off for the next week. Much of my time there I would spend in the IV clean room making IV fluids for patients; and occasionally (i.e. some gunshot wound patient is bleeding to death, or someone is crashing or going into cardiac arrest) patients would need their fluids asap, so I would make a dash to the floor to save the day of course. It's just so weird that while roaming the floors, I caught a flashback of my senior year. My senior year of high school (2001), I nearly lost my grandmother, brother, and two cousins in a TERRIBLE car accident. For at least 5 months my grandmother was an ICU patient at SLU. So when I would make my "stat" run to the floor to send fluids, I would occasionally come to the room where she used to be, which would bring me into a nostalgic rush. That day was terrible. That situation was extreme, and I mean I almost lost it. At first I thought the accident was just a fender-bender--oh no; far from it. I never hugged my brother so tight in all my life. Not done yet... So, I went back to school full time this semester and was compelled to leave SLU, so recently I made a switch to Depaul Health Center doing the same thing pretty much; but check this--also my senior year, another tragedy occurred; I lost my grandpa to cancer. Guess where he was when he died--yeps, Depaul. Yeah, my senior year was pretty rough. So it's really weird as I go to work, thinking back to the last thing that brought me their, being my grandpa on his deathbed. I don't like this trend my vocational experience is projecting.

Few Random Pieces of Information...

• Yesterday, me and Jarnell were joking talking about how the AKAs threw their "Men's Appreciation" Event. I remembered going last year, when they sang to us, fed us strawberries, and read us all of these empowering poems. Come on y'all; let's be real here. Some women may actually have a strong sense of appreciation for black men, but in general (of course), the way black women act towards black men unconditionally is completely contrary, especially in this case. So if you constantly say that "men ain't #@$%", have a condescending attitude towards black men in general, or simply would never give a brutha the time of day any other time, cut the b.s.; keep it real. Same would apply for a women's appreciation day. I'm just defending my kind right now. What they should've called the event is, "Let Me Make My Organization Look More Mature By Actually Acknowledging Your Prescence Today-Day". Its funny though; some of those same cats that were there at the event last night probably went to campus hyped in the morning, thinking they have a mature women waiting to be talked to, taken out, or simply acknowledged and spoken to while passing by. I bet a gang of cats were disappointed when they were passed right up and forgotten. lol
• Valentine's Day is approaching. I have a "scheduled Valentine". She and I went out a few times before, and I haven't seen her in a nice little minute; thing is, I know I'm not gonna look to pursue her "foreal foreal"--for my own particular reasons; so now that I think about it, I rather not waste my time getting all g'd up and spoiling her like she was mine. I think I feel a cold coming on (cough, cough, sneeze). lol. I'll only "cake" if I see the reason to; she's cool; she's attractive, but not my type for real; so while I might even have a good time if I did go out with her, I'm squeezing on the brakes because there's no point (as far as I see). I probably could end up having sex with her that night too, but I'm at the point right now where casual sex is tempting as usual...honestly it's probably some fire too, but also a big distraction--especially in this case because me and this girl havn't been physical together. Plus I said before, I'm trying to leave "nigrish" ways behind me and get my grown man on. So I'll probably spend Valentine's with my books, unless I find an alternative. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
• I got a 74 on my first Physical Chemistry exam (uncurved). This is my seventh chemistry course. It's ridiculous! I am so proud of myself. For those that don't know, a 74 in P Chem is like a perfect almost. lol. You know how after getting a good grade in the class, you look at your competition pouting, looking confused while the professor explains the results while you sit back humming, twiddling your thumbs without a care in the world? lol
• I'm hungry.
• Another exam in the morning. Study? Nah, it's Calculus--pretty straight forward.
• I'm taking my nephew skating this Saturday afternoon; other than that, I'll be studying and posted at the criznib.
• I'm still wondering when Mz. Ryte is gonna show herself (tapping my foot).
• I'm really hungry; did I eat today?
• (Still tapping my foot)
• That's enuf for now.

The Supa-Doopa-Natural

"The Exorcism of Emily Rose" movie has had me puzzled lately about the supernatural. This movie, based on a true story, was an eye-opener; not like the original 1970s "The Exorcist"; this flick is free from over-dramatic special effects and unnecessary crap. This one is way more realistic. Some of the things they describe in the movie almost bring a chill up my spine when I think about it. In the movie, the priest on trial talks about 3a.m., or what he explains it to be--the "demon witching hour". He says it is an hour where demons do most of their dirty work to mock the holy trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit--3); it is also an inversion of the accepted time of Christ's death--3p.m. I still wonder if this theory is actually accepted in reality among theologians because it makes sense if you have ever awaken after a terrible nightmare between 3-4 in the morning, or while laying down in bed, become overcome with an inexplainable foreign fright. I think everyone has had the dream where they were falling from some ridiculous height, and they actually could feel their stomach drop as they slept. Funny thing is, as many variations to such dreams, I have never met anyone who says that in such a dream that they hit the ground. Maybe the stomach-dropping awakening is God's way of releasing us from Satan's/demons actual grip/attempt on our lives during either the 3a.m. hour or any hour for that matter. My mom, a very devout Christian, watched the movie and said immediately afterward that she believes this girl's story can happen. She explained to me certain aspects of evil and fear that she never thought existed until she felt them. She told me about a time when she was pregnant with my oldest sister; she awakened in an upright position, with her hands motioning like she was pushing someone off of her. She was holding her breath and tasted water. Another time, she awakened early in the morning (3a.m.--?) for no particular reason except for the fact that she felt something drawing her to our front door, and although my mom is definitely no psychic, she had an overwhelming sensation of a powerful evil on the other side of that door. Instead of continually being lead to the door, she prayed for our home, family, and all of our souls, and she was able to avoid being drawn closer and went back to bed. Deep stuff huh? Most people are cool on seeing movies on ghosts and exorcisms--some because they are just scared, others because they wish to remain uncertain about the reality of the truth. Let's be real here; if you believe that people die, you may as well believe that spirits exist; I mean, once a person dies, they don't just "turn off" and not exist anymore. So it should be accepted that spirits exist in our world. Based on my experiences (sights, sounds, emotions, etc.), I know that demons exist as well. There have been times in my life where curveballs have knocked me off of my feet and afterward I could almost hear this "silent laughter". I don't know all of the rules involved, but I do know that our world is way more than meets the eye; and until you overcome an area of spiritual growth, most of the supernatural will be oblivious to you. It just makes me think though, if demons exist, all the bad things in life--rape, murder, hate, etc.--are they a direct association with demons in our world, or is it purely human choice? Is it a combination? Some people don't believe in spirits at all--good or evil; they belieive that life--the unexplainable and the explainable is all just a big coincidence. Others believe that God exists, but the devil does not; that the devil is simply a personification of the nature of anything that is not "holy". I don't understand why people wouldn't believe such things exist in our world. Maybe they're the "seeing is believing" type; maybe they're the type that wants to always feel a sense of knowledge and control in his/her life; i dunno. I know such things to exist, but I know also that all of the evil I mentioned above shivers to the sound of the words "Jesus" and "God"; so if you still are a skeptic to such supernatural entities, just know the aforementioned, for your own good.

The Real Grown and Sexy

Confidence is sexy; arrogance is not so good. Even on the other end, the shy--"don't think I'm that pretty" but are really drop dead gorgeous type is sexy too. See, here in Videoland--oops, I mean St. Louis, there's a smorgasboard of attractive women. However mentally---ugh. Some of the most arrogant, ghetto, overly-flashy and attention demanding, wannabe in Nelly's video-ass airheads dwell in St. Louis--the kind who thinks she's sexy because she bought a $12 pair of no-name heels and watches BET 24/7 keeping tabs on how to clown all of the latest dances. When I think of grown and sexy, I think of a woman who is smart, mature, stylish, knows that she's fine as hell, but doesn't boast, brag, or look down. She offers her "attractiveness" as an exhibition for others to observe her personality, character, and sassiness. I know that there must be some real grown and sexy women "round these parts", but they are a needle in a haystack. For the average guy, St. Louis is just a huge "breeding ground"; like I said before, it's a smorgasboard to those who are only concerned with the likes of the norm women here. But for me, so what...I'm proclaiming myself as "grown and sexy"; I'm more concerned with the depth a woman's mental can take me because a talent like that is hard to come by versus everything else that naturally comes along with the package. I'm tryina get my grown man on. Ya' heard?

Live n Learn

Sometimes I walk around the house and backyard and just think about when I was younger. Sometimes I see myself shooting basketball in the backyard with my sisters and brother, raking leaves and jumping in them, or riding bikes around the block ("throwback vision"). I think back on how close we were; and how we were so protective of each other. We are still close now, but as you get older, obligations grow exponentially, as does time diminish. Also, as you get older, you realize that you can't protect your siblings as much as you wished you could. One part of growing older is making and standing by your decisions, so in my case, as much as I would like to beat "Ole dude's" ass for consciously making my sister's life an inescapable trap of uncertainty, stress, and captivity, I cannot. Honestly, one day... I KNOW it's gonna all come down to a fight. Shouldn't be like that (I know)--very immature and juvenile. It's one of those inevitable situations. Anyhow, I'm not worried about it; I'm a beast! lol

Everything is Errthing

My God, today had to be the longest day of class EVER! It was one of those days where lectures were really boring, and you don't have time to get any food before the next class, so you just sit there with your stomach growling, bored as hell. Anyways, hopefully, I should be hearing back from some pharmacy schools within the next two weeks. I'm excited. Whether I get in or not, at least I'll be able to make some type of plans. Speaking of that, I can't wait to move. If either I don't get into pharmacy school at all, or I get into SIUE, there's a place in Hazelwood that's pretty tight. Come on May!!! Today I initiated my plans for St. Valentine's Day. I'm single, but I do have plans (wink). I'm trying to debate on the percentage of romance versus fun concerning what me and my date will do. Hmmmmmmmmm...

In other news...So this is becoming ridiculously repetitive. Maybe women don't realize that I'm already hip to the game. If a woman up and calls me out the blue like, "Hey stranger..." or "Yeah I just wanted to call cause I ain't heard from you in a while..." that hints to me that she's no longer talking to/dating/messing with whoever she was when I was trying to get at her. She's calling because for some reason she assumes me to still be available and also oblivious to her "could've-been-slick-if-I-were-dumb-PLANS". I could use this to an advantage for whatever reason I see fit, but often when this happens, my pride gets in the way.