Emotional Drain

Back in high school, I met a girl named "Jam" (her nickname). She was fine as hell; but had a sparky attitude. Yet, she was very caring, and compassionate when it came to me. She was older. From high school up until this past August, we were like the couple that never was. We would always kick-it, check up on each other, and just had super mad love for each other. Problem was, after she left college, she went to the service and got married to some cat. Her marraige didn't work out, and later she popped out a lil' shorty. As a result, she became very vulnerable. Occasionally we would talk about the possibilities of being together; and honestly, the more spontaneous side of me was down. She was most of what I could ask for in a woman, and she deserved to have someone like me take her away from the b.s. that was engulfing her life like quicksand. However, the more conscious side of me kept coming to the conclusion that her circumstances were a little extreme for me to inherit. She even volunteered to pay for my school if I moved in with her. This past August we got into a huge argument that was honestly nothing more than her own vulnerability, mixed with jealousy and loneliness. She had her "array" of words for me. I had mine for her. I told her not to call me again. See, there was so much about Jam that I admired, fell in love with, expressed care for, etc. Yet there were a lot of areas in Jam's life that weren't together, and rather than complain about it, she should have looked straight to the source--herself. I'm not going into depth about her business, but just know that she needed to grow up. I miss her a lot and still love her to death. I could call her; but I'm not. I pray for her and hope she and her shorty are alright. She's just that emotional draining person who half of me would do anything to see, and the other half of me would do anything to avoid. Maybe I wouldn't trip off the "draining" part of her if I didn't love her so much huh????

Walkin' ain't cuttin' it

I've been in the gym more frequently now that I don't work those dreadful night shifts anymore. It has become increasingly appaling however that there is an extreme shortage of black women in the gym. Really, I don't want to disrespect any sistahs with this, BUT, just calling it like I see it, most black women are lazy. They rely on their busy schedules as a cop-out, excusing them from physical activity like no one else is busy nowadays. Some black women are in the gym frequently--doing their thing, however, most women who go roll with those lil' 2 pound weights and walk around the track. What is that going to do!? Here's the crusher; most women who do these lazy workouts are the more overweight ones who need be running miles, not walking 2 laps drinking Pepsi upon finishing or going to the taco buffet after the workout. I put it like this, either you wanna work out or not; if you are gonna be lazy, stay at home. Yet, when this happens, another problem arises; some women realize their laziness, and slowly become content on being larger and sloppy. "I'm a big girl" or "Look at Jill Scott, she's big and beautiful". Now, I think Jill Scott is a beautiful woman, but I think women are hiding behind Jill's confidence and using it trying to compensate for their lack therof. It was funny when I heard a girl say that; she knew that if she was still petite like she used to be, that she would have a chubby joke for Jill Scott. The "freshman fifteen" is becomming an obsolete term, because nowadays most black women are at least 40 pounds heavier upon graduation than they were in their freshmen year; and if you're gonna gain 40 pounds before you even try to start losing it, that's a problem. Bottom line ladies, if you don't wanna work out, but you don't necessarily need to, fine; but realize that after I've worked in a hospital for so long, most cardiac patients are women, so be advised that although you still have a nice size and shape, and seem like you can eat what you want, you never know what's going on inside. To the women who KNOW they need to be in the gym, stop being lazy, because you see all of those sodas, double cheeseburgers, midnight meals, and suzy q's are catching up. No excuses!

The Nasty

Let's all be adults about this one; yet let us keep it real also.... The thought of sex can make some people sweat bullets with nervousness, some cringe their noses and say, "gross", some laugh reminiscing about the time they caught a cramp or almost got caught by their parents. I can remember being in junior high and hearing people having sex in the bathrooms. EVERY MAN has fronted on his sexual activity at one point prior to being sexually active. It's one of those things the make you laugh your ass off after being sexually active. I know I used to lie--saying that I had sex with girls whose names I used to make up and said went to other schools so that I wouldn't incriminate any of the girls at my own school. I think it's hilarious how people lie about sex. Before you are sexually active, you try to lead people to believe that you've been around the block because you were too embarrassed to admit being a virgin. Yet, later on in life, after you've had your share of moments, (i.e. a woman asks, how many partners have you had) you lie and disown some of those moments. If its 15 women we've been with, we say 9. If it's 9, we say 6. If it's 100 (damn!) we say 15. lol. Women are just as guilty but in a different way. See women will admit how many sexual partners they've had, but they have strict definitions for who actually qualifies as being "a partner". Later on when you find out that she's been intimate with more people than she admitted, she'll alway say, "Aw, him??!! See, that was different. All we did was _____. I don't count that." WTF! Not cool at all. Anyways, sex can do good and bad. If people are ready for an emotional boost to their relationships it can pose a benefit. After having some fire sex, it's like exhaling after holding your breath for weeks (??? or months--whichever); but once you start, it's easy to realize that sex can be the most addictive drug on the market if you don't posess the necessary willpower.

First Day of Class

Today was interesting. The total number of black people in my four classes adds to--I think 5 or 6. Pathetic...just pathetic. Today I finally realized that I'm gonna have to do some serious sacrificing if I want to survive this semester with straight Bs (minimum). TV is no problem sacrificing, because there's never nothing on, except reruns of old sitcoms and programs (Law and Order, Fresh Prince, etc). Also, this semester, I'm gonna have to get my ass out of bed and GO TO CLASS. No b.s.ing around this semester! None I say! I think I saw two young ladies I used to talk to in the past. Funny how everyone is slowly ending up at UMSL. There were a lot of songs I couldn't get outta my head as a result. See, a lot of times, I relate music with people, namely women. Whether it's a song we heard together, or just a song that reminds me of the girl, I have a song for practically every woman I have dated. Here's the list...it's not too long (in no particular order):

INITIALS SONG/ARTIST

• D.K. What's your Fantasy/Ludacris
• L.H. I Do/John B & Doin' Jus Fine/Boyz to Men
• J.A. Turn the Lights Down Low/Bob Marley~Lauryn Hill
• G.N. My First Love/Avant
• C.H. Emotions/Destiny's Child
• P.W. Where I Wanna Be/Donnell Jones
• L.J. Separated/Avant
• J.T. I Cry/Ja' Rule~Lil' Mo & Love/Musiq Soulchild
• K.L. Together Forever/Shai
• K.P. Holla Back Girl/Gwen Stefani

Hmmmm... maybe I should make a cd.

Same old same old

Okay, now I finally feel rested and focused--mentally prepared for another semester. It's gonna be rough, but if I get into pharmacy school by maybe March, I can still cut my schedule down halfway because two of my classes I don't need for pharmacy school. I'm taking Physical Chemistry I, Cell Bio, Calc, and Physics II. Anyways, I just hope there are some fine sistahs in my classes. Matter of fact, I hope there are some more Black people in my class period. I'm preparing myself for disappointment in both cases.

Net Worth

This new book I'm reading by T.D. Jakes advises men to do the "Net Worth" test and honestly analyze their own strengths in comparison to their liabilities. Here we go:

Strengths

• family oriented
• loyal
• sense of humor
• professional
• determined
• honest
• good advice
• organized
• friendly
• perfect gentleman
• charismatic

Liabilities:

• Semi-selfish
• Once I'm crossed, I usually try to forget the person; and it's not too hard
• Procrastinator
• Judgemental
• I'm always right (always)
• I'm sometimes wishy-washy
• Don't like having to proove myself to people who I know I'm better than
• The "whatever" mentality
• Sometimes I look out for others more than myself
• Temper temper
• Spoiled

I know I got some stuff to work on, yet some of even the bad will inevitably remain "just because". Minus my appearance, assets, trophies, and titles, etc. this is what I would look like on paper--Very good traits and some not so good ones. So far my "net character" ain't so hot. For the slow, net in this case would mean the asummation of all my good traits minus the asummation of the bad.

"In a perfect world..."

• All countries (U.S. especially) mind their own business.
• All cars run on batteries which you can plug into an AC adapter to charge.
• For the next 400 years, there will be free college tuition at any U.S. college/university to an African-American would be our reparations from slavery. Student must be accepted to "x" school; and schools cannot change criterion for ethnic enrollment numbers. Knowledge is power baby!!!!
• Someone would invent timecards, which would be purchased prepay. These cards would either freeze time (running late or once in-a-lifetime moments) or speed up time (impatient or working a slow shift).
• Lies, even the most petty and ridiculous are punishable by law (usually a $500 fine and/or jailtime). In case you haven't noticed, I'm not too fond of liers.
• White Castle hamburgers would be a nickel like back in the "olden days".
• We would relive the Hawthorne days and use scarlett letters to identify traits in others that most people would steer clear of in relationships, friendships, prospective employees, etc. S--Sleazoid. L--Compulsive Lier. C--Clingy. A--Alcoholic. V--Venereal Disease. B--Broke. F--No Future. D--Dumb as Hell. T--Talkative. X--Inexperienced in Bed. M--Taken/Married.
• Dreams are programmable. Length, setting, characters, mood, genre are a few of the creative categories.
• Telephone automated dialers and switchboards (the annoying, talking ones) are all obliterated from existance.

Unforgettable

This particularly long entry is dedicated to the places, people, and experiences of which I have the most unforgettable memories. Camp Miniwanca, surrounded by the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan, the calm waters of Stoney Lake, and the woods was where I spent 1 week every summer (5 summers total). The four years in the program (age 17-21) did so much molding of me as a person, and it has left its lasting mark. Besides being a place to happily proclaim ones filthiness, sing goofy songs, and wake up early as hell, SOOO much good came out this experience. Because it was called the International Leadership Conference, of course leadership was exercised in the form of games and other interesting simulations; yet there was so much more to this place. Each year I went, I was faced with a different complex challenge: 1st year--mental, 2nd year--physical, 3rd year--social, 4th year--spiritual. I've gone from simulations that gave full course meals to some groups, while others got very little (and no utensils); I've went on a STRENUOUS 24-hour physical quest (exhausting--literally); I've worked on service projects; heck, I've even went on a 24-hour solo (just me and God) in the woods with no food. There was so much to gain from this experience (friendship, fun, diversity, leadership, volunteer service, etc) that, when I would overhear the spoiled brats complaining, or the little sheltered ghetto kids acting out and not trying to gain some diversity, it honestly hurt my heart. I have friends in Cairo, Nigeria, France, China, etc--and now that I think about it, the friends...words can't describe the care that I have for the unforgettable, everlasting friendships that I made throughout this program. These people were with me from the first summer to the last; and most came back to serve as staff our fifth year. Together we all learned the importance of William H. Danforth's quote: "I am on a voyage of discovery. I search for those of you who will go on a great adventure. I am looking for you, one of the audacious few, who will face life courageously, ready to strike straight at the heart of anything that is keeping you from your best. You intrepid ones whom behind the world moves forward." Seriously, the people whom I will soon mention are my best friends in the world, because we have been through so much together; and although we have known each other for the 5 years we were involved with American Youth Foundation, each year was only a week, so it sounds weird but truthful to say--"I have known my best friends for only 5 weeks". It made me so grateful to be a member of this program with these people; it made everything right. There were times in my life where I would question myself as far as me as a person and my impact on people life itself. I remember one time very distinctly. I received a letter from one of my class members and it said, "Seriously you are one of the most awsome people I have ever met". Do you KNOW how a statement like that can make a person feel?!--simply wonderful. This whole thing about camp and my friends may be hard to digest and respect from the eyes/ears of someone who was never fortunate to go; you just had to be there to understand. So to: Jesse Berrios, Nicole Bogacki, Cory Clines, Ingrid Cobb, Kelly Cole, Matt Dulle, Mike Dwiggins, Patience Edwards, Julia Graham, Timothy Hayes, Laura King, Katie Krenn, Cat Larrison, Asena Madison, Rhea Miller, Stephanie Miller, Libby Norris, Lylee Rauch-Kacenski, Myrrah Rehg, Erin VanderWier, and Lorin Woodford--let us never forget. Here's to: Collie Collie, Ryan Lee, 60-bay, polar bearing, 4-square, Wanca-bread, quest--esp 2nd year and 4th year, Waokihi, Kiwimbechamoto, Ripple of fire, travel notes, pictures, Wakota Sioux, Waconda, Church of the dunes, Nathan Keence (R.I.P.), Zeke's stairs, reflections, Good ole' Nancy, William H. Danforth, Jennifer and John Gilburg (bra-vo!!), Mary Dee Schmidtt, and most importantly: "My own self, at my very best, all the time".

"...As we grow, we will help each other learn to grow; remembering the friends and memories, and Waokihi..."

-excerpt from Waokihi class song

Waokihi="Preparing Each Other for the Future"

Lazy Day

Today was kind of a "chill" day. I didn't go to church this morning b/c of a pounding headache. I did, however, finish a very good piece of old school fiction, Picture of Dorian Gray. Very good! Bravo! Since it was warmer today, I went outside and played football with my little nephew, Rickey. Whenever he is over our house, he gets so spoiled, but there is this little gleam in his face that let's me know he's having the time of his life. I see it most frequently when he's with my parents (his grandma and "paw-paw"). It just reminds me how much we all gotta be there for him and his little brother. His mom can't; and his dad, is...well, typical. I love my nephews to death. Anyways, I just finished watching Vanilla Sky. I love this movie. A lot of people hate it; probably because they're not open-minded enough and/or too impatient. Any movie or book dealing with dreams tends to intrigue me; probably because I understand that during dreams, whatever b.s. in my real life doesn't matter. Iono, I'm just rambling...

Call me crazy

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately--what I wanna do, accoplish, see, etc. Probably the best thing I think a man can do with his life is to be a good father. Firstly, duh, the world lacks them; and secondly, it is easy to not claim responsibility for fatherhood. Only a real man will be humble enough to accept the responsibility, and therefore place his family's well-being before his own. No lil' shortys on the way for me right now, but one day I'll be a great father to little Jasmin, Korryne, and Autumn. These will be my daughters' names. Speaking of that, I have this strange feeling that my girls will outnumber boys drastically. That's cool though; I'll teach them that cross-over and jump-shot, and let my wife handle all the "girly stuff".

We need a resolution

I thought long and hard about New Year's resolutions for the new year of 2006. At first I was like, "What's the point", but then I figured, "What could it hurt"--you know, to make myself a little better little by little. I came up with a few...AHEM!!!

• Since I always wanted to do martial arts, I figured, "What the hell". Haven't made my decision yet, but it's between Shaolin Boxing and Shaolin Kung-Fu.
• Everyone who knows me knows that I can't live without either juice, gatorade, or powerade. Therefore, another resolution is to drink more water.
• TV nowadays is so one-tracked and boring that there's only a few programs (sports and Law and Order) that I watch, so I will read at least one book for every month of the year. So far I have Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. When I finish it, next I will read Hemotions by Bishop T.D. Jakes.
• I've never been an alchy FOR REAL for real, but at one point or another, I have been every type of drunk imaginable. I've calmed down A LOT and lately have only been drinking for taste. A Long Island Here, a vodka and lemonade there, Jager, etc... As of 2006, I will only drink beer and wine/champagne; no more liquors. Far less potent, very good taste, and it allows me to take my digression step by step. But seriously, the next time I get straight bent off liquor will be with my wife on my honeymoon.