In response to "Dear Mr. Hip Hop...... I absolutely HATE YOU!!"-- by http://jdjanelle.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html (Feb. 27th post). Read this before proceeding with my post. She, jdjanelle wrote her Feb. 28th post as a response to this and the comments that follow our posts. Please leave comments, if possible after our posts; let me know who you are feeling and who you aren't.

See, I wasn't even about to write; I need to be studying for this Cell Bio exam I have in the morning; yet I'm very compelled to do so anyways. Me and my homie have been going back and forth on some issues: sex, religion, music, movies, and the most frequent topic of "individuality and fun bumping heads with Christianity". Anyways, jdjanelle (I'm not gonna say her real name. lol) asserts that rap/hip-hop is the devil's work, and it is destroying our communities; and that charismatic figures such as Beyonce Knowles and Kanye West should be ashamed of the life they portray. Hmmm...lemme start by saying that nowadays there is a huge population of individuals (youth mostly) that are misled by those who are designated as leadership models for them. Some aren't led at all. As a result, over the increasing years, we have a very gullable (highly influenced by the slightest feat) population who is very susceptible to certain types of behavior, in this case music. I do agree that there are some types of rap that do nothing but boast and brag about "&#%%@# and *&%#$@!, power and money, ridahs and punks (from Makeveli--Tupac)". However even in this case, am I, a producer and music enthusiast, "evil" for liking Kanye's music because I think his beats are tight?! It's music like this and the types of people described above that make a bad combination yielding an army of misguided droned youths; yet the blame should not be entirely placed on the artists. It's a job; and it sells; can you blame them. It's not Ying-Yangs fault that Craig, a 16 year old who neither artist even knows, has a mannish reputation/personality because of the song "Wait". Also, I don't think gospel artists should be put up on any higher of a pillar or pedestal than any other artist because what you hear on the radio is not always a reality for the artist. jdjanelle talks about the way Beyonce dresses. Who knows?? Beyonce may hate portraying this style, but is highly influenced by those she works with, her family, her gift, and her bills. She may not yet have reached the point of "spiritual realization"/independence that some others were fortunate enough to experience. So don't judge what you don't know. The same goes for some of these gospel artists. Yeah, they may preach it through song (please believe because Donnie McClurkin is my homie!!), but nobody knows the life that they are living outside of the recording booth. That's right, so Hezekiah Walker, whether you did it or not (if you haven't heard just check the news), you should be given no more power than that of Lil' Jon, because for all I know, y'all could be close patnas. I'm defending a lot in this entry, particularly hip-hop. If you don't know hip-hop, then you're not gonna know all of the ins and outs of it--firstly that there is a difference between hip-hop and rap. Rap being the more flashy, catchy, random, bass-booming, and iconic form. Hip-hop being the more original, soulful, mental safari through our culture, experiences, and love. I'm defending rap to an extent as well, because in my case, some of it is catchy, and the beats are tight, but I'm not the gullable type to "Rob a jewelry store and tell em' to make me a grill (Nelly, Paul Wall, et al)" either. I don't expect jdjanelle to give hip-hop a try because she's not the type to explore realms she originally thought of as "bad", but, she'll never know how the lyrics of Common, Mos Def, Talib Kweli, and so on will have you pushing repeat over and over because it allows us to hear what we all feel as true in a clear, flowing, and creative fashion. No one ever talks about the benefits of hip-hop; it's always the bad stuff. Yet if these charismatic figures turned their lives around, who knows if they would have any more of a positive influence than they already do through rap. By that I mean develop musical and creative talents or simply a sense of knowledge--now that's pretty damn good for such an ignorant generation huh? Take that jdjanelle! lol.

luv,

"lil E"

Peep Game

In light of Black History Month, I feel compelled to chat about my experiences as a Black man. Firstly, I am SO proud to be Black. I can sit and view family photos from 100 years back all the way up to now and be able to see the process of increased opportunities for African-Americans made possible by "My forefathers". I tend to get militant when it comes to those who don't embrace their Blackness by either becomming knowledgeable about those who paved the way or by taking advantage of all the valuable opportunities that were once foreign to us. A few years back I got into a heated argument with a friend. She's mixed. She said that she only considers herself Black when applying for minority scholarships. She hangs around all Black people; she embraces Black music; she dates Black guys. Yet, as retarded as it sounds, she had never heard of Rosa Parks, Emmett Till, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr...don't make me go on (and for the record I am not exaggerating). I also tend to get militant when it comes to the overall self-portrayal of Black people mostly through music and behavior. Call me a sellout or whatever you want--its embarrasing. If you have ever worked with caucasians, as I have, and had the radio on, when all the sudden "Laffy Taffy" comes on......yea, very embarrasing. Also, nowadays, Blacks look up to the most random of people as if they were really charismatic. It's probably a result of most of us not having anyone to look up to in our homes. Ever notice how in primarily Black settings, 7 out of 10 people look the same--Tims/Girbaud/Tall Tee/Grill? This is a ghetto trademark. Most of all, the thing that get under my skin the most about my bruthas and sistahs is the fact that most are giving into the stigma (accepted almost throughout our community) that it is "cool" to appear and/or sound unintelligent. There is a fine line between embracing Blackness and what's ours versus looking and sounding ignorant (nigrish, as I call it). I'm too proud to accept this type of behavior as "okay". As I walk throughout my whack campus, I get several nose turning looks, mostly from caucasians, in which I can almost tell what these people are thinking. "Outta the way!", "Why is he here?" or "Biochem/Biotech major?! You can't possibly be smarter than me.". I get these looks all the time, even from some professors; but you know what? I give them the same look right back. Too proud to be discouraged by that B.S.. This isn't to say that if you're not Black, you don't have the authority to be as proud. lol. Whoever/whatever you are, be proud of it; but don't claim to be something and you know nothing about it, or make the efforts of those who paved the way for you in vain. Also, don't be one thing and claim to know what it's like to be the exact opposite. I don't care who you know, who you've dated, or whose music you listen to. You can only listen and hear what it's like, you will never completely understand, nor will I ever understand what it is to be something else. Feel me, or am I going on a "militant tangent"?

On track

Right now, I'm struggling to regain my focus. I go to class; I study; I go to work. Tiring enough right. In class I daydream; when I'm at work, I become part of a annoying repetitive routine; when I try to study, I sit there for 1 ½ hours before I can actually start. Then when I do, I get so easily side-tracked. I can't tell if there is a void in my life or if I'm doing too much. Doesn't matter; when you're stressed, you're stressed. Right about now, I could use a fire massage, some silence, a good movie, and a brownie concrete. I think most of this stress will go away when I move out of the nest (again). The house won't be so noisy, I can walk around butt-booty naked, and enjoy my own privacy. Spring break is rolling around; and I know a lot of my homies are gonna want to go to some flashy city and drink and club all day and night. Right now that is the least of my cares. I want to relax. I really wanted to rent out a big cabin up in the Ozarks (I love nature), but I don't know who all would go and during spring break it will still probably be somewhat chilli outside. So I wouldn't get to jet ski and all that fun stuff til later in the year. I'm just getting old. Clubbin' and kickin' it definitely has its moments, but now isn't the time. I'm a tired old man whose nerves are on edge due to my exhausting obligations and lack of restful downtime. I just wanna get my rocking chair, and sit next to the fireplace and read a good book. lol.

Back by Popular Demand

After a long week of IVs preparation, derivatives, logs, immunocytochemistry, entropy, and magnetic fields, needless to say, it's been a long week; I'm a little tired. I had absolutely nothing in mind for my blog, until I received a death threat, which compelled me to write about a specific topic. lol. In my last entry, I mentioned that I had a "crush". Well here we go... Her name is ______ (what am I stupid!?) This person, I don't know as well as I would like to; every time I see her, there's an overpowering sense of attraction to her; I think it's the fact that she's sexy as hell firstly; secondly she's "grown". She carries her self very well, especially amongst all the rest of the women in my peripheral. She's down to earth, and also knows how to relax and be goofy when she feels the need. Even better, she's the type that is on the verge of being very independent. Go for it right????------no. I'm pretty sure she's occupied in some type of relationship right now, I think. Rather than play Casanova and help her get her groove back, I acknowledge the fact that women who are tied up in old knots are quick to be one of two things, maybe both--spontaneous decision makers, and wishy-washy. So I'm compelled to stop in my tracks rather than involve myself and complicate her situation or mine. Alas... So whoever is reading this will never know who my crush is; I guess it doesn't matter anymore I guess; anyway...So...(moving on) As I stated in an earlier blog, I'm making it a goal to be less generous with women who haven't proven themselves worthy. Sounds bad right? Not really. I'm a very romantic person; I ain't gone lie. I'm a big caker. I like intimate date settings (upscale bars or jazzy clubs), wine, intellectual conversations, giving relaxing palm massages, all that. Does every woman deserve treatment like this? Absolutely, but not necessarily from me. For right now I'm cutting out all of this extra, unnecessary caking. As arrogant as this sounds, I got a lot going for myself; my potential for success in many different aspects of life is skyrocketing, especially in comparison with the lives of the numerous bums who surround us all. I'm done with trying to impress. Someone needs to impress me, because frankly as of now, I am not amused. I'm looking for a certain type of woman to be attentive to me, however I always get attention from women whose compatibility seems farfetched. So am I supposed to keep looking, or settle with whoever is the best of the undesirable? I'll do even better than either of these, whoever she is, she's gonna have to find me. Moral of this story: I'm not going to continue romancing just to be doing it. Why????? All this disenchantment has got me yawning in boredom. Next!!!!! lol

¿¿¿Love...Ummmm--You Got me on that one (Shrug)???

"As men we were taught to hold it in, that's why we don't know how 'til we're older men"--Common "Love is..." from the album Be

At one point in time, I thought I had unlocked the secret of what love is; later on I had come to find out, I was wrong--either that or love is therefore selfish. I did however, find out that love must be true to work; one cannot "play a part" in the "game" of love, as contradictory as it sounds. You gotta be yourself and you can't force it (love); and if that other person can't accept that for whatever reason, flat-out--it ain't gone work. Personally the closest I can get to defining love is this, "it's the most extreme opposite of hate". I can describe some theoretical characteristics of love, BUT clearly after watching "Love and Basketball" one can clearly distinguish happily-ever-after fantasies from reality. In other words are their some aspects of love that can be generally regarded and accepted as unrealistic? Duh; obviously. My ultimate question is, "Is love therefore selling itself short"????? With these two questions in mind, the first thing I think of is that moment at the alter, "Do you (name) take (name) to be your da-da-da-da-da... in sickness and in health...". Wow right!!!??? Of course nowadays "I do" is always the result; don't seem like it though does it? All it takes is for someone to sneeze a few times and be bedridden for a week before their partner gives up on them and moves on. I'm exaggerating right now but you get the picture. Besides that, look at divorce rates--pathetic. That's marraige though. Bringing it back down to the smaller scale, I already admitted, I am as clueless to love as love is clueless to hate, but the difference between me and most cats is this, I try to minimize my mistakes involving relationships as a result of my ignorance. Everybody has seen "Baby Boy". There's a scene when Jody tells his lady, "Yeah gurl, I love you, but I f*ck other women". Pure B.S.. Personally and honestly, I have never cheated on any women I was with, ever; probably because (duh) it's a contradictory position. I'm a honest and more importantly straight forward type of guy, so I therefore avoid the unnecessary, meaning something doesn't fit in that picture. So many people nowadays (male and female) are in Jody's position and lie to themselves, forcing their own clouded minds to believe that it is possible to love someone and cheat on them simultaneously. In reality people who think like this only love themselves. I stated before that love may be very selfish--maybe too selfish. Think about this scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love with their personality. Overtime sparks fly and that invisible vibe seems to pull you closer and closer at every instance of contact. Being with this person and making this person happy becomes your mission, as their mission is the same for you. One day, this person is involved in a hit-run car accident and is left paralyzed from the waste down. What do you do????? Right. Think about it. Don't say, "It depends..." because theoretically, if you love the person, I mean reeeeeally love the person, you'll continue your "mission". If not, is that not love (absence of love), or the "accepted definition" as far as reality goes? If someone has all the honest and feasible answers to these questions, please let me know (good luck). Before me and Mz. Ryte (whoever she is) hook up, I need to know exactly what I'm getting myself into and why, because this learn-as-you-go stuff...it doesn't work. As for now, I'm makin' progress little by little; I have a lil' bit of a crush. Can me, a grown man--can I still say crush? Aye, it's a start.

Flashbacks to 2001

In July I started a job at SLU Hospital as a pharmacy tech. For the Fall semester, I worked full-time, and overnight (11 hour shifts) for a seven day period; then I would be off for the next week. Much of my time there I would spend in the IV clean room making IV fluids for patients; and occasionally (i.e. some gunshot wound patient is bleeding to death, or someone is crashing or going into cardiac arrest) patients would need their fluids asap, so I would make a dash to the floor to save the day of course. It's just so weird that while roaming the floors, I caught a flashback of my senior year. My senior year of high school (2001), I nearly lost my grandmother, brother, and two cousins in a TERRIBLE car accident. For at least 5 months my grandmother was an ICU patient at SLU. So when I would make my "stat" run to the floor to send fluids, I would occasionally come to the room where she used to be, which would bring me into a nostalgic rush. That day was terrible. That situation was extreme, and I mean I almost lost it. At first I thought the accident was just a fender-bender--oh no; far from it. I never hugged my brother so tight in all my life. Not done yet... So, I went back to school full time this semester and was compelled to leave SLU, so recently I made a switch to Depaul Health Center doing the same thing pretty much; but check this--also my senior year, another tragedy occurred; I lost my grandpa to cancer. Guess where he was when he died--yeps, Depaul. Yeah, my senior year was pretty rough. So it's really weird as I go to work, thinking back to the last thing that brought me their, being my grandpa on his deathbed. I don't like this trend my vocational experience is projecting.

Few Random Pieces of Information...

• Yesterday, me and Jarnell were joking talking about how the AKAs threw their "Men's Appreciation" Event. I remembered going last year, when they sang to us, fed us strawberries, and read us all of these empowering poems. Come on y'all; let's be real here. Some women may actually have a strong sense of appreciation for black men, but in general (of course), the way black women act towards black men unconditionally is completely contrary, especially in this case. So if you constantly say that "men ain't #@$%", have a condescending attitude towards black men in general, or simply would never give a brutha the time of day any other time, cut the b.s.; keep it real. Same would apply for a women's appreciation day. I'm just defending my kind right now. What they should've called the event is, "Let Me Make My Organization Look More Mature By Actually Acknowledging Your Prescence Today-Day". Its funny though; some of those same cats that were there at the event last night probably went to campus hyped in the morning, thinking they have a mature women waiting to be talked to, taken out, or simply acknowledged and spoken to while passing by. I bet a gang of cats were disappointed when they were passed right up and forgotten. lol
• Valentine's Day is approaching. I have a "scheduled Valentine". She and I went out a few times before, and I haven't seen her in a nice little minute; thing is, I know I'm not gonna look to pursue her "foreal foreal"--for my own particular reasons; so now that I think about it, I rather not waste my time getting all g'd up and spoiling her like she was mine. I think I feel a cold coming on (cough, cough, sneeze). lol. I'll only "cake" if I see the reason to; she's cool; she's attractive, but not my type for real; so while I might even have a good time if I did go out with her, I'm squeezing on the brakes because there's no point (as far as I see). I probably could end up having sex with her that night too, but I'm at the point right now where casual sex is tempting as usual...honestly it's probably some fire too, but also a big distraction--especially in this case because me and this girl havn't been physical together. Plus I said before, I'm trying to leave "nigrish" ways behind me and get my grown man on. So I'll probably spend Valentine's with my books, unless I find an alternative. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
• I got a 74 on my first Physical Chemistry exam (uncurved). This is my seventh chemistry course. It's ridiculous! I am so proud of myself. For those that don't know, a 74 in P Chem is like a perfect almost. lol. You know how after getting a good grade in the class, you look at your competition pouting, looking confused while the professor explains the results while you sit back humming, twiddling your thumbs without a care in the world? lol
• I'm hungry.
• Another exam in the morning. Study? Nah, it's Calculus--pretty straight forward.
• I'm taking my nephew skating this Saturday afternoon; other than that, I'll be studying and posted at the criznib.
• I'm still wondering when Mz. Ryte is gonna show herself (tapping my foot).
• I'm really hungry; did I eat today?
• (Still tapping my foot)
• That's enuf for now.

The Supa-Doopa-Natural

"The Exorcism of Emily Rose" movie has had me puzzled lately about the supernatural. This movie, based on a true story, was an eye-opener; not like the original 1970s "The Exorcist"; this flick is free from over-dramatic special effects and unnecessary crap. This one is way more realistic. Some of the things they describe in the movie almost bring a chill up my spine when I think about it. In the movie, the priest on trial talks about 3a.m., or what he explains it to be--the "demon witching hour". He says it is an hour where demons do most of their dirty work to mock the holy trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit--3); it is also an inversion of the accepted time of Christ's death--3p.m. I still wonder if this theory is actually accepted in reality among theologians because it makes sense if you have ever awaken after a terrible nightmare between 3-4 in the morning, or while laying down in bed, become overcome with an inexplainable foreign fright. I think everyone has had the dream where they were falling from some ridiculous height, and they actually could feel their stomach drop as they slept. Funny thing is, as many variations to such dreams, I have never met anyone who says that in such a dream that they hit the ground. Maybe the stomach-dropping awakening is God's way of releasing us from Satan's/demons actual grip/attempt on our lives during either the 3a.m. hour or any hour for that matter. My mom, a very devout Christian, watched the movie and said immediately afterward that she believes this girl's story can happen. She explained to me certain aspects of evil and fear that she never thought existed until she felt them. She told me about a time when she was pregnant with my oldest sister; she awakened in an upright position, with her hands motioning like she was pushing someone off of her. She was holding her breath and tasted water. Another time, she awakened early in the morning (3a.m.--?) for no particular reason except for the fact that she felt something drawing her to our front door, and although my mom is definitely no psychic, she had an overwhelming sensation of a powerful evil on the other side of that door. Instead of continually being lead to the door, she prayed for our home, family, and all of our souls, and she was able to avoid being drawn closer and went back to bed. Deep stuff huh? Most people are cool on seeing movies on ghosts and exorcisms--some because they are just scared, others because they wish to remain uncertain about the reality of the truth. Let's be real here; if you believe that people die, you may as well believe that spirits exist; I mean, once a person dies, they don't just "turn off" and not exist anymore. So it should be accepted that spirits exist in our world. Based on my experiences (sights, sounds, emotions, etc.), I know that demons exist as well. There have been times in my life where curveballs have knocked me off of my feet and afterward I could almost hear this "silent laughter". I don't know all of the rules involved, but I do know that our world is way more than meets the eye; and until you overcome an area of spiritual growth, most of the supernatural will be oblivious to you. It just makes me think though, if demons exist, all the bad things in life--rape, murder, hate, etc.--are they a direct association with demons in our world, or is it purely human choice? Is it a combination? Some people don't believe in spirits at all--good or evil; they belieive that life--the unexplainable and the explainable is all just a big coincidence. Others believe that God exists, but the devil does not; that the devil is simply a personification of the nature of anything that is not "holy". I don't understand why people wouldn't believe such things exist in our world. Maybe they're the "seeing is believing" type; maybe they're the type that wants to always feel a sense of knowledge and control in his/her life; i dunno. I know such things to exist, but I know also that all of the evil I mentioned above shivers to the sound of the words "Jesus" and "God"; so if you still are a skeptic to such supernatural entities, just know the aforementioned, for your own good.

The Real Grown and Sexy

Confidence is sexy; arrogance is not so good. Even on the other end, the shy--"don't think I'm that pretty" but are really drop dead gorgeous type is sexy too. See, here in Videoland--oops, I mean St. Louis, there's a smorgasboard of attractive women. However mentally---ugh. Some of the most arrogant, ghetto, overly-flashy and attention demanding, wannabe in Nelly's video-ass airheads dwell in St. Louis--the kind who thinks she's sexy because she bought a $12 pair of no-name heels and watches BET 24/7 keeping tabs on how to clown all of the latest dances. When I think of grown and sexy, I think of a woman who is smart, mature, stylish, knows that she's fine as hell, but doesn't boast, brag, or look down. She offers her "attractiveness" as an exhibition for others to observe her personality, character, and sassiness. I know that there must be some real grown and sexy women "round these parts", but they are a needle in a haystack. For the average guy, St. Louis is just a huge "breeding ground"; like I said before, it's a smorgasboard to those who are only concerned with the likes of the norm women here. But for me, so what...I'm proclaiming myself as "grown and sexy"; I'm more concerned with the depth a woman's mental can take me because a talent like that is hard to come by versus everything else that naturally comes along with the package. I'm tryina get my grown man on. Ya' heard?

Live n Learn

Sometimes I walk around the house and backyard and just think about when I was younger. Sometimes I see myself shooting basketball in the backyard with my sisters and brother, raking leaves and jumping in them, or riding bikes around the block ("throwback vision"). I think back on how close we were; and how we were so protective of each other. We are still close now, but as you get older, obligations grow exponentially, as does time diminish. Also, as you get older, you realize that you can't protect your siblings as much as you wished you could. One part of growing older is making and standing by your decisions, so in my case, as much as I would like to beat "Ole dude's" ass for consciously making my sister's life an inescapable trap of uncertainty, stress, and captivity, I cannot. Honestly, one day... I KNOW it's gonna all come down to a fight. Shouldn't be like that (I know)--very immature and juvenile. It's one of those inevitable situations. Anyhow, I'm not worried about it; I'm a beast! lol

Everything is Errthing

My God, today had to be the longest day of class EVER! It was one of those days where lectures were really boring, and you don't have time to get any food before the next class, so you just sit there with your stomach growling, bored as hell. Anyways, hopefully, I should be hearing back from some pharmacy schools within the next two weeks. I'm excited. Whether I get in or not, at least I'll be able to make some type of plans. Speaking of that, I can't wait to move. If either I don't get into pharmacy school at all, or I get into SIUE, there's a place in Hazelwood that's pretty tight. Come on May!!! Today I initiated my plans for St. Valentine's Day. I'm single, but I do have plans (wink). I'm trying to debate on the percentage of romance versus fun concerning what me and my date will do. Hmmmmmmmmm...

In other news...So this is becoming ridiculously repetitive. Maybe women don't realize that I'm already hip to the game. If a woman up and calls me out the blue like, "Hey stranger..." or "Yeah I just wanted to call cause I ain't heard from you in a while..." that hints to me that she's no longer talking to/dating/messing with whoever she was when I was trying to get at her. She's calling because for some reason she assumes me to still be available and also oblivious to her "could've-been-slick-if-I-were-dumb-PLANS". I could use this to an advantage for whatever reason I see fit, but often when this happens, my pride gets in the way.

Popeye's

Never mess with a black man and his chicken. Yesterday I went to Popeye's after class. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a biscuit (their biscuits are fire). The biscuit was like an extra $.60. I get home and my damn biscuit ain't in the bag. I'm not gonna ride back to Popeye's for a biscuit, but it's principalities involved in this; AND like I said before, I really wanted one of those biscuits. So today I went back there to order the same thing again; only I didn't want to pay for another biscuit since I didn't get the one from yesterday. This chick at the window with nappy hair, tow' up fingernails and brown teeth says they need a receipt. I'm like, "What is a receipt gonna prove?! I don't have it, and it doesn't prove that y'all put the damn biscuit in the bag! You know what??? Just give me my sandwich." As I pulled off the lot, I dialed the customer service line and complained. Oh yes, I am notorious for that. I am not a chronic no-reason nag, and to some people, they may think, "Damn, it's just a biscuit." Obviously these folks haven't had the pleasure of Popeyes. Black run chicken joints always screw up stuff; I've had the same issue happen at a KFC over some macaroni and cheese. Do I have to go all the way into the heart of the county to get my order right?! You know black folks be ready to bust a cap in somebody's azz over some chicken.

Emotional Drain

Back in high school, I met a girl named "Jam" (her nickname). She was fine as hell; but had a sparky attitude. Yet, she was very caring, and compassionate when it came to me. She was older. From high school up until this past August, we were like the couple that never was. We would always kick-it, check up on each other, and just had super mad love for each other. Problem was, after she left college, she went to the service and got married to some cat. Her marraige didn't work out, and later she popped out a lil' shorty. As a result, she became very vulnerable. Occasionally we would talk about the possibilities of being together; and honestly, the more spontaneous side of me was down. She was most of what I could ask for in a woman, and she deserved to have someone like me take her away from the b.s. that was engulfing her life like quicksand. However, the more conscious side of me kept coming to the conclusion that her circumstances were a little extreme for me to inherit. She even volunteered to pay for my school if I moved in with her. This past August we got into a huge argument that was honestly nothing more than her own vulnerability, mixed with jealousy and loneliness. She had her "array" of words for me. I had mine for her. I told her not to call me again. See, there was so much about Jam that I admired, fell in love with, expressed care for, etc. Yet there were a lot of areas in Jam's life that weren't together, and rather than complain about it, she should have looked straight to the source--herself. I'm not going into depth about her business, but just know that she needed to grow up. I miss her a lot and still love her to death. I could call her; but I'm not. I pray for her and hope she and her shorty are alright. She's just that emotional draining person who half of me would do anything to see, and the other half of me would do anything to avoid. Maybe I wouldn't trip off the "draining" part of her if I didn't love her so much huh????

Walkin' ain't cuttin' it

I've been in the gym more frequently now that I don't work those dreadful night shifts anymore. It has become increasingly appaling however that there is an extreme shortage of black women in the gym. Really, I don't want to disrespect any sistahs with this, BUT, just calling it like I see it, most black women are lazy. They rely on their busy schedules as a cop-out, excusing them from physical activity like no one else is busy nowadays. Some black women are in the gym frequently--doing their thing, however, most women who go roll with those lil' 2 pound weights and walk around the track. What is that going to do!? Here's the crusher; most women who do these lazy workouts are the more overweight ones who need be running miles, not walking 2 laps drinking Pepsi upon finishing or going to the taco buffet after the workout. I put it like this, either you wanna work out or not; if you are gonna be lazy, stay at home. Yet, when this happens, another problem arises; some women realize their laziness, and slowly become content on being larger and sloppy. "I'm a big girl" or "Look at Jill Scott, she's big and beautiful". Now, I think Jill Scott is a beautiful woman, but I think women are hiding behind Jill's confidence and using it trying to compensate for their lack therof. It was funny when I heard a girl say that; she knew that if she was still petite like she used to be, that she would have a chubby joke for Jill Scott. The "freshman fifteen" is becomming an obsolete term, because nowadays most black women are at least 40 pounds heavier upon graduation than they were in their freshmen year; and if you're gonna gain 40 pounds before you even try to start losing it, that's a problem. Bottom line ladies, if you don't wanna work out, but you don't necessarily need to, fine; but realize that after I've worked in a hospital for so long, most cardiac patients are women, so be advised that although you still have a nice size and shape, and seem like you can eat what you want, you never know what's going on inside. To the women who KNOW they need to be in the gym, stop being lazy, because you see all of those sodas, double cheeseburgers, midnight meals, and suzy q's are catching up. No excuses!

The Nasty

Let's all be adults about this one; yet let us keep it real also.... The thought of sex can make some people sweat bullets with nervousness, some cringe their noses and say, "gross", some laugh reminiscing about the time they caught a cramp or almost got caught by their parents. I can remember being in junior high and hearing people having sex in the bathrooms. EVERY MAN has fronted on his sexual activity at one point prior to being sexually active. It's one of those things the make you laugh your ass off after being sexually active. I know I used to lie--saying that I had sex with girls whose names I used to make up and said went to other schools so that I wouldn't incriminate any of the girls at my own school. I think it's hilarious how people lie about sex. Before you are sexually active, you try to lead people to believe that you've been around the block because you were too embarrassed to admit being a virgin. Yet, later on in life, after you've had your share of moments, (i.e. a woman asks, how many partners have you had) you lie and disown some of those moments. If its 15 women we've been with, we say 9. If it's 9, we say 6. If it's 100 (damn!) we say 15. lol. Women are just as guilty but in a different way. See women will admit how many sexual partners they've had, but they have strict definitions for who actually qualifies as being "a partner". Later on when you find out that she's been intimate with more people than she admitted, she'll alway say, "Aw, him??!! See, that was different. All we did was _____. I don't count that." WTF! Not cool at all. Anyways, sex can do good and bad. If people are ready for an emotional boost to their relationships it can pose a benefit. After having some fire sex, it's like exhaling after holding your breath for weeks (??? or months--whichever); but once you start, it's easy to realize that sex can be the most addictive drug on the market if you don't posess the necessary willpower.

First Day of Class

Today was interesting. The total number of black people in my four classes adds to--I think 5 or 6. Pathetic...just pathetic. Today I finally realized that I'm gonna have to do some serious sacrificing if I want to survive this semester with straight Bs (minimum). TV is no problem sacrificing, because there's never nothing on, except reruns of old sitcoms and programs (Law and Order, Fresh Prince, etc). Also, this semester, I'm gonna have to get my ass out of bed and GO TO CLASS. No b.s.ing around this semester! None I say! I think I saw two young ladies I used to talk to in the past. Funny how everyone is slowly ending up at UMSL. There were a lot of songs I couldn't get outta my head as a result. See, a lot of times, I relate music with people, namely women. Whether it's a song we heard together, or just a song that reminds me of the girl, I have a song for practically every woman I have dated. Here's the list...it's not too long (in no particular order):

INITIALS SONG/ARTIST

• D.K. What's your Fantasy/Ludacris
• L.H. I Do/John B & Doin' Jus Fine/Boyz to Men
• J.A. Turn the Lights Down Low/Bob Marley~Lauryn Hill
• G.N. My First Love/Avant
• C.H. Emotions/Destiny's Child
• P.W. Where I Wanna Be/Donnell Jones
• L.J. Separated/Avant
• J.T. I Cry/Ja' Rule~Lil' Mo & Love/Musiq Soulchild
• K.L. Together Forever/Shai
• K.P. Holla Back Girl/Gwen Stefani

Hmmmm... maybe I should make a cd.

Same old same old

Okay, now I finally feel rested and focused--mentally prepared for another semester. It's gonna be rough, but if I get into pharmacy school by maybe March, I can still cut my schedule down halfway because two of my classes I don't need for pharmacy school. I'm taking Physical Chemistry I, Cell Bio, Calc, and Physics II. Anyways, I just hope there are some fine sistahs in my classes. Matter of fact, I hope there are some more Black people in my class period. I'm preparing myself for disappointment in both cases.

Net Worth

This new book I'm reading by T.D. Jakes advises men to do the "Net Worth" test and honestly analyze their own strengths in comparison to their liabilities. Here we go:

Strengths

• family oriented
• loyal
• sense of humor
• professional
• determined
• honest
• good advice
• organized
• friendly
• perfect gentleman
• charismatic

Liabilities:

• Semi-selfish
• Once I'm crossed, I usually try to forget the person; and it's not too hard
• Procrastinator
• Judgemental
• I'm always right (always)
• I'm sometimes wishy-washy
• Don't like having to proove myself to people who I know I'm better than
• The "whatever" mentality
• Sometimes I look out for others more than myself
• Temper temper
• Spoiled

I know I got some stuff to work on, yet some of even the bad will inevitably remain "just because". Minus my appearance, assets, trophies, and titles, etc. this is what I would look like on paper--Very good traits and some not so good ones. So far my "net character" ain't so hot. For the slow, net in this case would mean the asummation of all my good traits minus the asummation of the bad.

"In a perfect world..."

• All countries (U.S. especially) mind their own business.
• All cars run on batteries which you can plug into an AC adapter to charge.
• For the next 400 years, there will be free college tuition at any U.S. college/university to an African-American would be our reparations from slavery. Student must be accepted to "x" school; and schools cannot change criterion for ethnic enrollment numbers. Knowledge is power baby!!!!
• Someone would invent timecards, which would be purchased prepay. These cards would either freeze time (running late or once in-a-lifetime moments) or speed up time (impatient or working a slow shift).
• Lies, even the most petty and ridiculous are punishable by law (usually a $500 fine and/or jailtime). In case you haven't noticed, I'm not too fond of liers.
• White Castle hamburgers would be a nickel like back in the "olden days".
• We would relive the Hawthorne days and use scarlett letters to identify traits in others that most people would steer clear of in relationships, friendships, prospective employees, etc. S--Sleazoid. L--Compulsive Lier. C--Clingy. A--Alcoholic. V--Venereal Disease. B--Broke. F--No Future. D--Dumb as Hell. T--Talkative. X--Inexperienced in Bed. M--Taken/Married.
• Dreams are programmable. Length, setting, characters, mood, genre are a few of the creative categories.
• Telephone automated dialers and switchboards (the annoying, talking ones) are all obliterated from existance.

Unforgettable

This particularly long entry is dedicated to the places, people, and experiences of which I have the most unforgettable memories. Camp Miniwanca, surrounded by the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan, the calm waters of Stoney Lake, and the woods was where I spent 1 week every summer (5 summers total). The four years in the program (age 17-21) did so much molding of me as a person, and it has left its lasting mark. Besides being a place to happily proclaim ones filthiness, sing goofy songs, and wake up early as hell, SOOO much good came out this experience. Because it was called the International Leadership Conference, of course leadership was exercised in the form of games and other interesting simulations; yet there was so much more to this place. Each year I went, I was faced with a different complex challenge: 1st year--mental, 2nd year--physical, 3rd year--social, 4th year--spiritual. I've gone from simulations that gave full course meals to some groups, while others got very little (and no utensils); I've went on a STRENUOUS 24-hour physical quest (exhausting--literally); I've worked on service projects; heck, I've even went on a 24-hour solo (just me and God) in the woods with no food. There was so much to gain from this experience (friendship, fun, diversity, leadership, volunteer service, etc) that, when I would overhear the spoiled brats complaining, or the little sheltered ghetto kids acting out and not trying to gain some diversity, it honestly hurt my heart. I have friends in Cairo, Nigeria, France, China, etc--and now that I think about it, the friends...words can't describe the care that I have for the unforgettable, everlasting friendships that I made throughout this program. These people were with me from the first summer to the last; and most came back to serve as staff our fifth year. Together we all learned the importance of William H. Danforth's quote: "I am on a voyage of discovery. I search for those of you who will go on a great adventure. I am looking for you, one of the audacious few, who will face life courageously, ready to strike straight at the heart of anything that is keeping you from your best. You intrepid ones whom behind the world moves forward." Seriously, the people whom I will soon mention are my best friends in the world, because we have been through so much together; and although we have known each other for the 5 years we were involved with American Youth Foundation, each year was only a week, so it sounds weird but truthful to say--"I have known my best friends for only 5 weeks". It made me so grateful to be a member of this program with these people; it made everything right. There were times in my life where I would question myself as far as me as a person and my impact on people life itself. I remember one time very distinctly. I received a letter from one of my class members and it said, "Seriously you are one of the most awsome people I have ever met". Do you KNOW how a statement like that can make a person feel?!--simply wonderful. This whole thing about camp and my friends may be hard to digest and respect from the eyes/ears of someone who was never fortunate to go; you just had to be there to understand. So to: Jesse Berrios, Nicole Bogacki, Cory Clines, Ingrid Cobb, Kelly Cole, Matt Dulle, Mike Dwiggins, Patience Edwards, Julia Graham, Timothy Hayes, Laura King, Katie Krenn, Cat Larrison, Asena Madison, Rhea Miller, Stephanie Miller, Libby Norris, Lylee Rauch-Kacenski, Myrrah Rehg, Erin VanderWier, and Lorin Woodford--let us never forget. Here's to: Collie Collie, Ryan Lee, 60-bay, polar bearing, 4-square, Wanca-bread, quest--esp 2nd year and 4th year, Waokihi, Kiwimbechamoto, Ripple of fire, travel notes, pictures, Wakota Sioux, Waconda, Church of the dunes, Nathan Keence (R.I.P.), Zeke's stairs, reflections, Good ole' Nancy, William H. Danforth, Jennifer and John Gilburg (bra-vo!!), Mary Dee Schmidtt, and most importantly: "My own self, at my very best, all the time".

"...As we grow, we will help each other learn to grow; remembering the friends and memories, and Waokihi..."

-excerpt from Waokihi class song

Waokihi="Preparing Each Other for the Future"